Joe Biden Is My Homeboy
By Rone Shavers
Ooh, Ms. Noonan, the reason I was not in your class last week was cause I went to the White House. I was all up in the White House and I was on TV. Okay, you got me, maybe not TV, that is my dream, but I was on TV on the internet, which is called Youtube. I was all up in the Youtubes, but I been there before so you can’t fail me for missing no school. You said if I told you the truth you would let me take them tesses I failt, so I am telling you now the truth.
Ooh, but it is not just the truth, it is also the background, which mean it is the scenario, and that word I learnt in a rap song. No, my whole for real true life story is once, way back when, back in the day, when planet internet generation Kids TV first came to our school, I met Joe Biden. I also met Shawn Marion and Dwayne Wade, star of the Miami Heat, but that is a different story from the one I’m telling you now, so please listen. You got to listen and focus up on my right now story, my story is Joe Biden, he is vice president, and he is my homeboy for real. I sent him a internet email video, and in it I had me on some khaki pants and a smooth polo shirt and I said Joe Biden, I heard you is gone be vice president. That is cool. Will you be my homeboy? If you is my homeboy, I get to interview you, so just say yeah, like Shawn Marion and Dwayne Wade, who is the basketball star of the Miami Heat. Joe Biden, do you like basketball? I love basketball.
I had to wait a long time, it was so long I almost forgot, but then, so and also, Joe Biden, he wrote me back in a friendly letter and he said Thank you so much Kenny, cause you done ask me to be your friend, I know you is cool. I will too be your homeboy. Besides, all I been waiting for is for you to ask me, so now that you done did, you can come to my birthday party but only if you want to. My party is gone be the bomb party, it is so cool it even got its own name. It is called Bidethon 2013 but I’m thinking ’16, what you think? Well, maybe when you is older you will understand, but in the between time here is these two beer cozys to keep your soda cold. My mama said me and all my friends, we can have all the soda we want at my birthday party, and she said I promise, so you know she mean it. Cheers champ! P.S., I like basketball too, you is my new secret best friend. P.S. also, I’mma come to your school and I’mma see you real soon, cause that is what friends be all about, and you is my secret best friend until we meet in front of everyone, including the internet and your homeroom class. Ooh, and my lady wife is a teacher like Ms. Noonan, so what that mean is she get to change your grade and you gone get a A in language arts and also on them tesses you just failed, but it wasn’t your fault, cause everybody know you wasn’t at school. Goodbye and I am so glad we is now homies. By the way, this is Joe Biden who is sending you this letter. When we hang out, if you want to flip the script, just call me Biden. But if you see me afterschool, you got to call me the Bidenator, cause that is my street name.
Ms. Noonan, you know for real that Joe Biden did too come up to my school. It is all up on the internet, and if you look real hard, you gone see me chilln’ with Biden in my brand new, shiny new suit. I did me a interview with Joe Biden, Kids TV planet internet generation style. I got me a autograph picture and everything. That is why you be getting mad and always trying to fail me. You is the jealous, just mad cause you ain’t like my homie, Mr. Vice President Joe the Biden, homeboy. Ms. Noonan, you be getting so mad at nothing sometimes, but I know you be knowing that, and that ain’t my story though it is my problem cause you be getting mad at me. I bet you know that too. No, my story is I ain’t just the best homie and secret best friend of the Joe Biden, I am too is also got me another friend, and my new homie, his name Barack Obama. I know you know who he is, you got to know who he is, cause Barack Obama, he is President of black people and also of the United States, even Ohio, Florida, and Virginia. You ain’t have nothing to do with that, that is why you is all mad. I also think you is mad cause Joe Biden and me, we be having so much fun. Biden, he told me I should meet his other friends, like and including Barack Obama.
Ms. Noonan, I wanted Barack Obama to be my friend so bad I put on some nice pants and made me a video. In the video I ask Barack Obama to be my homeboy, like Joe Biden, and I told him me and Biden and Shawn Marion and Dwayne Wade, we is all homies, but he don’t have to be in our posse, he don’t have to hang out with us all day if we was friends, cause Barack Obama, I know you is busy. I said, ooh, Barack Obama, I bet you like Hot Cheetos and Takis. Be my friend and we could sing the song and do the dance and make us a new Hot Cheetos and Takis video, except we should rap about french fries and mangoes, cause I like mangoes. And then, after, Joe Biden is gone show up, and he will yell, Snack! Snack! Snack! What? And then we gone all try out his new dance.
See Ms. Noonan, you know a lot but I know you don’t know we got us a dance, and the name of the dance is called the Cheers Champ! It is the style you don’t know yet, cause you ain’t like me, which mean you got to be friends with the Vice and President to know it. But since you know you can’t do it, I’mma tell you the secret. See, to do the Cheers Champ!, you gots to know crumping. The Cheers Champ! is a supersecret combo chillin and crumping at the same time that you can’t do cause you got to be good at dancing, which mean you is a champion, which mean the same thing as good, except it mean even better. If you was good at dancing you could do the dance, but I bet you can’t do it like me. Just try.
See, ha! Not even Miss Rubin or Ms. Coulter can do it, and even Ms. Malkin tried, but she couldn’t get it right. All y’all mean nasty teachers, there is stuff you do not know, and you is all mad because of it. Ms. Noonan, I can tell what you is thinking and I know you want to ask me how. It is a big secret riddle so I can’t tell, but I’mma give you a hint. See, you know you got it right when you is champing, cause champing is chillin and crumping all mixed up. That is the secret hint to the riddle. Ms. Noonan, you want to figure out the riddle of the secret chillin-crumping combo, and if that is the secret then how come our combo ain’t called chimping, but the answer to the riddle is you is racist. I see your face when I be saying in class that Barack Obama is our first president, and the answer to that riddle is you don’t like him cause he just like me. No, do not lie, it is a sin to lie, and I did not learn that in your class, I learnt that at Sunday school. You be lying when you say you like the people like me, cause if you did, you would not laugh at my answers in class and pretend you don’t see my hand raised real high, and you would not be making me go to the front and read in front of everybody when you know some of them kids is gone laugh at me and make fun of me cause they is not my friendly homeboys, they is only there to compete. Also, you would not have failt me on them language arts tesses, cause they was hard and I did too get some of them answers right, just not as many as you want, cause you is no fair and mean to us kids who be saying all I want is to be friends with the nice people and maybe be on internet TV all the time too cause I like internet TV. It is cool.
But it is okay, that is okay, cause Biden, he gave me his picture and sat down in a chair and talked to me like I was a grown up, he told me it was okay, so long as I stay in school and do my best. He told me, he said, Kenny, this is Joe Biden. Don’t worry, cause I be believing in you. And now, cause I said that, let’s go have fun. I bet you can’t race me to the top, we should race to the top.
Ms. Noonan, I been thinking about what Joe Biden said to me, and I did too try my best, especially on them tesses, but it is all because you is so mean that you got mad because of it. You is the no-fair person Ms Noonan, and you should be fair. You should be fair like Joe Biden, and you got to listen to him, cause he is the boss of you. I seent that on TV and even learnt it in social studies class. Vice president mean number two boss of the country, so that mean Joe to the Biden can tell you what to do. Ms. Noonan, he told me to tell you he got a rap song that you ain’t seen the video for yet, and it is a message for you. It is called Bow Down to the Biden. All that mean is he is your boss, so you should do what he say, like let me take them tesses one more time.
So that is my story Ms. Noonan, except I ain’t tell you the best part. And the best part is I got to tell you the most exciting part, because because it happent in real life, it is all true. I met Barack Obama, and he is now my homeboy. Barack Obama is too also one of my homeboys and I am really in his posse cause he sent me a autograph picture when I ask for it and he told me too to stay in school. Joe Biden told me the same thing but you ain’t never said that to me at all. But I am too gone stay in school even if you is mean to me, cause I can’t let my new friends and homeboy posse down. If I stay in school, I’mma be just like Barack Obama, except I’mma tell all the kids of the United States world that if they got a mean language arts teacher or they don’t like they language arts class where they don’t be learning nothing but rules that don’t make sense and don’t sound like they talk, they get to skip it. That too is on the internet, but I forget which part, cause Ms. Noonan, I am all up in on around the internet, even on internet TV, and that is why when Barack Obama was up in my school, he said Kenny, how about a little one on one. I heard you and Dwayne Wade is basketball homeboys, so how about a little one on one? Ms. Noonan, just cause you think I don’t got the smarts, that don’t mean it is true. I am too smart. I got the smarts you get from the street, so I said make it interesting, Barack Obama. Barack Obama, he said, okay, it is a bet. He also said Kenny I am so proud of you, I wish Ms. Noonan would tell you the same thing, cause I think it would make you happy and do more good in school. Ooh, but I said to him before he said it is a bet, I said, if you lose, I get to go to the white house and I get to interview you. I’mma interview you for Kids TV Barack Obama. He said, okay, bet.
Ms. Noonan, Barack Obama can really play basketball. He is so tall, he know how to post up real good, but you know I am the excellent defender, and I can block his shot. Ooh, I do too know Dwayne Wade, and I can play basketball, and I can dribble but I do not double dribble. And because because Barack Obama is so tall, I just dribble through his legs and then I make the smooth jumper, swish. Barack Obama, he may be a superhero and president, but he can’t handle it. My basketball moves is what they don’t be teaching you in president school, so I was too much for him, and too good besides, and I got to horse first, and he was all sweaty and tired, so when I said one more game, you know I was talking trash. I know it is wrong to be talking trash to my homeboy president, but when I am on my game I am unstoppable. That is the big vocabulary word, but all unstoppable mean is you can’t stop me. I had so much fun, next time I see Barack Obama I’mma play one on one horse basketball again, and I’mma dunk on him. Again. Ms. Noonan, I dunked on Barack Obama. And when I did, Joe Biden was there and when I ran back up the basketball field he gave me the high five thumbs up and said Cheers Champ! Then we did our special dance. We was champing, in case you forgot.
And that is my story. This is the story of how I got to go to the white house and interview Barack Obama. I know you don’t be believing in me and you think I always be making stuff up, but if you don’t be believing me all you got to do is look at the Youtube channel on your internet TV machine and you can see it. I asked him all the hard questions for kids, like how come we can’t have french fries and mangoes for school lunch. I love mangoes.