Just A Bunch Of Things I Never Told You After You Got Married

1. I’ve seen movie characters lost their minds and had emotional breakdowns the moment they learned that their exes got married. To be honest, I thought they were being overly dramatic. I mean, there’s no way you can be that sad when you see the person, whom you already let go a long time ago, exchange vows with someone new. You’ve moved on from them. So why act indifferent watching your ex start a new chapter of their life?

But I guess you won’t know what it feels like to be in a certain situation until you experience it.

After you called me just to say you’d be getting married, I was legitimately fucked up for a solid week. I didn’t lose my sanity. I didn’t have a breakdown. But I felt like a huge part of me died the second you ended that call.

2. Admitting I still cry every time I remember the last time I hugged you inside the train car makes me sound, I don’t know, weak? But heck, it’s true. I rarely cry. In fact, I can’t recall the last time I did. But if someone asks me what happened on the day we said our goodbyes? My eyes will immediately well up with tears. To this day, I still consider that particular moment the most painful part of my life. The only person who genuinely loved me back was taken away from me — I don’t think there’s anything romantically more tragic than that.

3. I look for you in the eyes of all the men I’ve dated after you. It’s messed up. It’s unfair, I know. But I really can’t help it. I measure them against you. I notice why they’re different, both in a good way and bad way. And once I realize that they’re no better than you, I slowly slip away. I wouldn’t necessarily call that ghosting. It’s more like saving my time and his time from being wasted.

4. People think I changed religion because of you. It’s not true. The truth is, I currently don’t have any specific religion. But if you didn’t get married and the world didn’t screw us over, I might be putting your religion in my resume by now. I’ve never met any guy who has faith as strong as you. Maybe that’s a big factor why I fell in love with you harder. When you believe into something, you go for it with all of your heart. You dedicate your time and energy in it. Which is why a guy like you is hard to find on this earth.

5. Sometimes I dream about you and when that happens I almost don’t want to wake up. I like to be brought back to all the places we held hands secretly. I like to revisit the nights we spent at the beach walking aimlessly, around the city looking for stars at a cloudless sky. Sometimes when I’m tired and reminded that I can’t reach out to you, I find it hard to look for reasons to keep going. Because nobody motivates me better than you do. No one’s whispering in my ear, telling me everything that I need to hear anymore.

6. You are the inspiration behind my book.

7. Here’s why I don’t text you: it’s incredibly disrespectful to the person you married. You have a long list of unanswered messages sitting in my inbox right now. I read all of them, but do nothing. Deep down, I believe we can no longer directly communicate. You’re married now, the chase is over. I don’t want to be the reason why two people are fighting. And I will never ever be the kind of person who destroys a permanent relationship.

8. When you asked me how’s my job and each time I told you that it’s fine, you kept repeating the question again. You didn’t like senseless answers from me. You wanted to know how I really felt about certain things. And up until now, I haven’t met someone like you who would make extra effort to truly get to know how I’m doing. You were the only guy I ever trusted with all of my heart. I could disclose anything to you and not once you would dare to use it against me. That’s probably one of the major reasons why it still hurts to realize that you’re not here beside me.

9. I almost always reach out to text you the moment I feel empty in the middle of the night. But I fight the itch in my fingers. It’s not worth the trouble. Talking to you will set me back. And I can’t spend the next few months of my life trying to convince myself that somebody has already claimed ownership to your heart. I don’t want to rub salt over some old wounds. You have moved forward without me. I need to do the same.

10. Despite everything I said and everything you heard, nothing can cover up the truth that I still fucking miss you. I really do. But I’m hoping that a guy will walk into my life soon and completely wipe out all your influence over me.