Just Because We Can, Doesn’t Mean We Should: A Response

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Yesterday, I posted an essay called Why Men And Women Can Never Be Equal. As expected, most people hated it and disagreed; and also as expected, no one really got it, either. One commenter said, “This just reads like a whole bunch of examples and not a whole lot of saying anything at all on the matter;” another that, “Your description of yourself is accurate (emphasis added);” and my favorite, “You are stupid and wrong, please stop typing words into your computer.” But because most of these responses were expected to a piece whose title begs for a visceral reaction, I’d like to go through and explain myself, so we can then possibly have a rational conversation about this.

First off, I’d just like to point out that I am solely talking about CASUAL sex here, and in no way prescribe to the Frank Underwood from House of Cards mentality that “Everything in life is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” However, I do believe it to be true if we are merely talking about hooking up. Why do we do it? What’s the point; what’s the goal? As I stated yesterday, “Sex with strangers is, actually, usually quite boring because the participants don’t know what the other wants—and as Lena Dunham has pained herself to show, awkward, degrading and generally unsatisfying, as well.” (←Click on the link to read a really interesting study about it.) So why do we do it? I believe, to confirm our egos. But (don’t shoot the messenger), this does not work the same way for Women as it does for Men.

Instead of trying to explain it, I’ll just let these videos do it for me.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JJFBtHcBnM&w=584&h=390]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxyySRgrYsU&w=584&h=390]

Sure, they are a bit skewed because the girl doing the asking is hotter than the guy, but it illustrates the point pretty well, none the less. As Chris Rock put it in Bigger and Blacker, “Women are offered dick every day. Three times a day, shit! That’s right, every time a man’s being nice to you…all he’s doing is offering dick. ‘Can I get that for you? How about some dick?’ ‘Could I help you with that? Could I help you to some dick?’”

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4s3mE7gTf2A&w=584&h=390]

Biologists say this has to do with Men trying to spread our seed around to perpetuate our lineage in as many directions as possible. This may be true. I don’t know, I’m not a Biologist (or a Determinist for that matter). But I do know that if a woman goes out to a bar determined to hookup with some random stranger, her chances of success are infinitely higher than a man’s, regardless of how much “game” she may or may not have (Hence, no “Pickup Artist” schools for Women).

And this brings me, as my commenting friend demanded, to the real point—one which I hope will be interpreted and discussed as more than just me describing my own personal predilections.

Is Hookup Culture a good thing?

Hooking up is essentially the universalizing of the Perseusean conqueror spirit, in the absence of the former “civilizing” role that Women were once expected to play.

Let me make this very perfectly clear right now: I AM IN NO WAY ENDORSING THAT OLD ARRANGEMENT. Men are not just big babies who can’t control themselves and need a mother to wipe their ass and set boundaries for them; and Women should not be condemned to do nothing but clean up our messes. However, with Women no longer playing that role, we are now acculturating our entire citizenry to don this predatory mentality.

Historically, casual sex was the privileged game of Men. I began my essay yesterday with the advent of the birth control pill because, thanks to it, Women have now been freed to play this game, too.

But what are the rules of this game?

In short:

  1. My pleasure is what is most important
  2. Feelings are a detriment
  3. The “other” is a means, not an end
  4. In turn, by any means necessary
  5. Whoever has the highest score wins

As another commenter thoughtfully remarked on my polemic yesterday, “Real emotional connection is actually about vulnerability and communication and not about power games.” I could not agree more. But the rules of the Hookup game, rule this out from the get go.

Now, instead of our culture trying to reform the ways of Men, it gives us free reign and makes it exponentially easier for us to get what we’ve always wanted. Some have speculated that this has infantilized us, making us more irresponsible, blah, blah, blah. There is probably some truth to this. But the one undeniable thing is that it certainly has not made us better, more caring and invested individuals. Sure we’ve passed plenty of laws to try to mitigate this, but laws can only be enforced retroactively—after the crime has already been committed. The goal should be preventing it from happening in the first place.

In every area of life, the Left has always attempted to squash this conquering instinct and increase fellow-feeling, yet in the case of sex, they turn a blind eye and shame anyone who questions “free love.” But sorry, this type of “love” is not free (nor love). The price is your soul. To quote an article, Why Your 20s Matter, that I wrote last year:

Is messing around in our 20s in a series of low-commitment liaisons and drunken debaucheries creating irreversible life patterns, while we tread water in ever shallowing dating pools? Maybe…maybe not. [But] good relationships, and the skills and habits that create the foundations for them, won’t just magically appear whenever we decide we are ready for them. The ability to compromise, to have open and honest conversations, and empathy, compassion, concern, care and love, all require not only hard work, but a willingness to grow out of the selfishness of adolescence and into the responsibility that adulthood and freedom necessarily entail.

Life is not as compartmentalized as we wish it to be. Character is wholistic [sic], and the greatest determiner of character is habit. We become who we are, through what we do. Is this really who we want to be?