Just Hate Me, Dammit!


If you hated me, I would feel a sense of relief. I would feel like this could finally all end and I wouldn’t have to ignore your phone calls anymore or come up with reasons to never come to your apartment. You’ve treated me like a queen and I’ve thought of you as a serf. You don’t seem to mind though, which infuriates and perplexes me even more.

If you hated me, you would be a happier person. You would stand up for yourself, break the cycle of abuse, and move on to someone who could really love you. What are you doing with me? I’m a mistake! Run, don’t walk, to your next boyfriend. Please. I’m begging you. Just leave me.

If you hated me, you could love yourself. You could be like “You know who I hate? People who treat me like complete shit,” and I would never feel so glad to hear that someone hates me. Hating me is the first step to loving you.

If you hated me, I could finally stop thinking of ways to make you feel bad. I could finally stop blowing you off via text being like “I’m so busy tonight. I have so many math problems to do…” and feeling guilty and icky but also feeling like I dodged a bullet. It’s super hard to ignore someone in 2011. You have to be a creative genius and a great liar to get out of a hang out session. Since we’ve started dating, I’ve supposedly been swamped with work, been sick with strep throat two times, and have had three gnarly cases of food poisoning. You don’t seem mind me being a complete psycho. Maybe if I started to treat you with an ounce of respect, you’d lose complete interest. Hmm, that’s a good idea.

If you hated me, my faith in humanity would be restored. I would start to believe that everyone is in healthy relationships where there are no inequities. Sweet people gravitate towards other sweet people. No one has a sad relationship pattern. No one falls for the asshole because, hello, they’re an asshole. In a perfect world, jerks are stuck living alone in Jerkville as complete social pariahs. In the real world, however, jerks live on I’m So Popular Avenue and get laid constantly. What’s wrong with us? Let’s get it together people! Vote No on Jerks.

If you hated me, you could avoid so much future heartache because if you stay with me any longer, I will just start throwing things at your head. I will pants you in public. I will never give you head. I’ll continue to test the limits to see if you have a breaking point. What do I have to do in order for you to hate my guts and dump me? Because I will do it. I will do it times ten and hate myself and hate you and hate everything.

If you hated me, I could stop hating myself. I could stop wondering how I could ever treat someone the way I treat you. I could stop living in perpetual disgust about the things I’ve said and done. I guess we all have the potential to be the ugly one. We all have the potential to become who we despise in relationships. We just need the right (or wrong) person to bring it out of us. It’s sitting there dormant until someone passive comes along and gives it CPR. And then it’s alive. It’s breathing and it’s evil and it’s shocking. Get it off me.

If you hated me, I wouldn’t have had to write this stupid thing while ignoring your text messages.

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image – Sex and the City