Last Night I Gave You Something I’ll Never Get Back

I haven’t seen or thought about you in years. You were a part of my past, of my childhood I never thought I would revisit.

But then I looked up from across the bar and there you were. I walked over and we both laughed in shock at the chances of seeing each other. You told me you just moved to my new town for a job. What a crazy coincidence that we happened to be at the same place at the same time. It was just coincidence though, surely not fate or any of that other nonsense I told myself. You said you wouldn’t be in town long, only a month or two, but I knew you would be here long enough to have an impact. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon. I underestimated the power of nostalgia.

We talked a little and caught up. Right away you put your hand to my back and pulled me in closer. I think you knew from that first night you were going to have me or at least that you wanted me. I made sure we saw each other again. You always had a great smile, I thought, as I began to justify all the reasons to let it happen.

After hanging out again we went home with all of your friends. I saw the exchanging of glances, the slight nod to your roommate. I was aware you were planning on closing. I was also aware I wasn’t going to have sex with you. You see I’ve never been in love. Well, I’ve never been in love with someone who has loved me back and despite thinking love is a fantasy I still believed my first time should be out of true passion not just lust.

But then you started to hold me and you kissed my neck. You didn’t know it but that’s my kryptonite. You were gentle but you weren’t sweet, if that makes sense.

You had no reason to believe I was letting you have something I had denied others for so long. I couldn’t find the words to tell you.

I suppose I was embarrassed. Actually, I think it’s because I had no idea why I was letting you get closer. I still have no idea why.

I told you I never slept with people so suddenly. You had no idea just how much that was true. You told me you didn’t either and yet there we were. Kissing in a hurry and watching each other move. You looked into my eyes but I couldn’t look back into yours.

You didn’t know why. You didn’t know that I don’t trust people. You didn’t know that I don’t believe in love anymore. We don’t know enough about each other to have been intimate and yet we were. It’s funny how we can be both old friends and strangers. How I recognize you but have no idea who you actually are. Why was it so easy to lie there with you and let you kiss me and grab me and push inside me?
You were just so familiar.

You felt like home, and when we were done we talked about home. A home I no longer feel connected to but being with you brought me back.

I still don’t know if I liked being reminded of all I’ve left behind or not.

And that’s how I lost my virginity. On a humid night in June to a man that was once a boy I knew years ago. To a man who doesn’t know he has my innocence. To a man I barely know as more than a memory and yet know better than anyone.