Loving Myself Is Harder With You Around

Loving myself is hard when you make me feel like every move I make is the wrong one. You’re always complaining about something, always angry about something, always annoyed with me about something. No matter how much effort is put into us, you’re never satisfied.

Loving myself is hard when all of my hard work goes unappreciated. You never say thank you. You never say congratulations. You never make me feel seen. You make me feel like nothing I do is ever good enough, like I’m wasting my time, like I shouldn’t even bother trying anymore.

Loving myself is hard when you’re always criticizing me. You give me backhanded compliments. You gaslight me. You point out all my faults. You make me feel unattractive, untalented, unwanted. You make me question my use.

Loving myself is hard when you make me feel like you couldn’t care less about me. You never answer texts on time. You never tell me when you’re going to be home. You never ask for my input before making decisions. You expect me to pour all of my effort into you, but you haven’t put in an ounce of effort yourself.

Loving myself is hard when you treat me more like a backup plan than a first priority. I would (and have) dropped everything for you. I have answered your texts in the middle of the night. I have rushed to your aid. But you don’t give me the same courtesy. You hardly acknowledge my existence. You make me feel invisible.

Loving myself is hard when you send mixed signals. You treat me well one day and leave me on read the next day. You make me overthink and overanalyze myself. You make me wonder what I’m doing wrong, what I could change, and how I can fix myself.

Loving myself is hard when you’re always looking over my shoulder at other women, flirting with other women, spending time with other women. I keep making comparisons in my head. I keep worrying you’re going to leave me or cheat on me or decide you could do better than me.

Loving myself is hard when you keep giving me reasons to hate myself. There are days when I blame myself for your bad moods, when I hate myself for making you angry with me. And there are other days when I hate myself for staying with you, when I hate myself for allowing you to treat me this way for such a long time without walking away.

Loving myself is hard when I’m surrounded by people who don’t value me, people who take advantage of me, people who don’t give a damn about me. Loving myself is hard when I’m trapped inside a toxic situation, which is why I need to get out. I need to surround myself with people who uplift me, who support my visions, who point out my strengths. I need to be around people who love me in order to have a fighting chance at learning to love myself too.