Marry, Screw, Kill (Revised Edition)


Marry: …The kind of person who you keep excitedly calling back to say, “Oh, and one more thing,” even though it’s, say, three o’clock in the morning and you’ve already been talking for hours. You should have compatible interests with this person, but not too compatible. If your interests are exactly compatible, then you’ll turn into one of those horrifying married couples who, at parties, yak on for hours about their shared love for antique Amish quilts, or vintage Coca-Cola bottles — while everyone else at the party looks around, panicked, for the exits, or tries to make a shared suicide pact. Marry someone who will say, “Honey, shut up. No one gives a fuck about vintage Coca-Cola bottles.” Marry someone who is 30% different from you, is what I’m saying. Marry someone who will stretch your boundaries, enlarge your interests.

Fuck (…or “Screw,” if you prefer that term): Ideally, you should fuck the person who you intend to marry, I guess. However, often in your young life, you will find yourself fucking someone who you have no intention of marrying. This is just a thing that happens; it really is. But still — just as a general rule of thumb — ideally you should not be fucking someone who, under other circumstances, you would cross the street to avoid.

People who you fuck but don’t marry should generally be people who you like but who also have one character trait that you simply cannot stand — such as, say, continually misusing the word “literally,” or spelling “all right” as one word. Fuck this person, don’t marry them. If you marry them, you’ll only get more annoyed, and they will develop other, more annoying habits — and then, twenty years later, you’ll find yourself at your house in Westchester, hearing your spouse say something like “She is literally driving me crazy” for the twelve thousandth time and you’ll put your head in your hands, thinking stuff like, “Oh, I’ve ruined my life,” and “Is it still possible to run away to Mexico like people did in olden times?” This is literally a thing that will happen. Literally. So just fuck this kind of person; do not marry them.

Kill: …Again, ideally you should really not be killing anyone. But then, even great books such as the Bible are inconclusive on this point. For example, the Bible (older section) seems to suggest that killing lots of people is fine, just fine. Whereas the Bible (newer section) says that no, that’s really not okay. So who even knows? You may have to come up with your own rules here. But yeah; ideally you should not be killing anyone. But if you do kill anyone, have the good taste and good sense to try to make it look like an accident or something. …Y’know, like an arson-y sort of thing.

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