Maybe I Should’ve Known

Maybe you should look at me instead of your phone. Are you looking for someone else who may still be out there somewhere for you? Does your comfort come from dreaming about the life you could be living, instead of the one you could be building here with me?

Maybe you should act somewhat interested in my life, instead of mindlessly nodding your head. You are the one person I wanted on my side. You are my safety net, my best friend. When you disregard me, I feel the ultimate betrayal.

Maybe you should grab my hand, when you feel it brushing against yours. Are you proud to be seen with me? Aren’t you happy to show me off to the world? Or do you need to prove that you don’t need anyone except yourself?

Maybe you should’ve told me the way you felt, instead of bottling it up inside. I know you care about me. I know your feelings are there. I just can’t figure out why you won’t give me a chance to be the person who won’t hurt you. I’ve nursed you through pain that I hope I never understand. You’ve done the same for me. Why can’t we figure this out?

Maybe I should stop expecting affection that you’re unable to give. I have tried to be patient. I have told myself to give you time. I keep thinking one day, you will magically feel the same feelings. You will suddenly start showering me with tender moments. You’ll stroke my hair as I’m lying beside you. You’ll reach for me when you’ve had a rough day. You’ll share your hopes and dreams with me.

Maybe I should be satisfied with the fleeting touches that I do receive. My body aches for you to feel the same passion for me that I feel on a daily basis for you. I spend most of my time waiting for the next moment of warmth from you. I want you to come home and be happy to see me. I don’t want it to feel forced. I want it to be genuine enthusiasm. I tell myself that maybe I want too much.

Maybe I should have known that you were too broken. I couldn’t get my light into the cracks of your shattered heart no matter how hard I tried to shine. I had passed on others that tried to come before you. They weren’t worth the risk of getting hurt. I knew I was taking the ultimate risk with you. I was still so delicate and broken myself. I thought we could heal our individual pains by taking them on together.

Maybe we should’ve laid our own insecurities aside, instead of comparing each other to our pasts. Maybe we should’ve leaned into our fears and vulnerabilities, instead of pushing them aside. Maybe we should’ve been our true selves, instead of building up so many walls.

Maybe I should’ve told you I loved you, the night I felt it by the fire. I still love you deeply. I knew once you came into my life that no matter what happened, I would always love you. I never told you. I needed to know if you loved me too. I didn’t want you to say it to me just because I said it first. I needed to know you meant it.

Maybe you should’ve swallowed your pride, the night we had our last fight. You said things that cut me to the core. It felt like a chainsaw ripping through my chest. Everything I believed about us was suddenly disappearing as I heard the words coming out of your mouth. I tried to tell myself you only said these things out of anger, but I’m still unsure. Maybe I knew the truth but wanted to keep believing the lie.

I didn’t want to say goodbye. Our insecurities were demons that we could no longer hide. I didn’t know how to silence them, so I did nothing. We left each other when we needed each other the most. The not knowing was killing me. The maybes will never fade away. The maybe’s keep me holding on to dreams that I hope will come true.