Maybe Our Future Only Exists In My Dreams

I haven’t thought about you in quite a while. I mean, not like this. But you have been haunting my dreams and it has me really freaked out.

And they are still happening even after we spoke.

How could it not be bothering me? You texted me immediately after I left that awful voicemail that didn’t come out anything like I rehearsed it in my head. I didn’t expect my voice to be quivering. I didn’t expect to be so nervous. But you texted me and honestly, I was shocked. After the way things ended, why would you text me? I didn’t deserve that, but I guess you don’t know the whole story, even now after we spoke on the phone.

When we spoke that afternoon, I was so worried about ruining your long weekend. I didn’t want you to have to take time out of your life — a life I now know nothing about — to deal with my issues. We spoke for an hour and after all this time you seemed to care. You still remembered how I used to analyze my dreams and how much emphasis I put on them. You seemed genuinely interested in the story my dreams told and what they meant. You were so worried my current boyfriend was abusing me. You asked about my dog.

At the same time, you seemingly forgot about things I so distinctly remember. I pushed you away because you got that job offer that was taking you to the city and I was going home after we graduated. We talked about you getting transferred to one of their other offices one day, one closer to my home. We never spoke about me moving to the city with you. Thinking back, I’m not sure why. Maybe I would have gone if you asked, but we shouldn’t speculate. You landed your dream job and couldn’t go through with it because of legal formalities — I remember it all.

Putting that aside, within that hour I poured my heart and soul out. You were so calm and collected when I told you our secret I’d been keeping with me since our Sophomore year. You barely had anything to say except that you were sorry I went through it alone. It was my choice to go through it alone. However, now that I’ve told you, I know it’ll take time to process. But it’s been two months and you are carrying on as if this call didn’t happen — at least, that’s how it feels.

That isn’t even the part that rattled me.

You also said that you compared all of your relationships to ours. That was such a relief, because I do the same. I expressed to you that I’m nervous to continue in my current relationship because it’s not that fairytale love we had. Perhaps I’m idealizing everything that happened between us, but I can’t help but think that our hearts were right with this one.

As much as I hate to admit it, I thought about having everything with you. At the time, we both didn’t think marriage was important — I remember the conversation — but that doesn’t mean I didn’t think of being married to you and having kids with you. I digress…

I know this all seems too little, too late. After all, I’m not sure how this would all realistically work. You said you were happy with someone new, and who am I to ruin that? Maybe she is your happily ever after and you’ll only know that because of our relationship. Maybe my dreams aren’t pushing me to you but away from my current relationship because he isn’t my fairytale ending. If I got over us, then he could be my forever. Still, that seems like a big chance to take. As Fitzgerald would say, “There are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice.” I’m not sure I could settle for anything less than what I had with you.

I can’t help but wonder what could happen if we tried again. Realistically, I’m not sure it would ever happen. Somehow, I would have to tell you that after you accepted that job that never was, I cheated. My friends knew, and I’m pretty sure you knew, but I denied it because I couldn’t bear to hurt you. Despite my actions, I cared so much, but it was my way of feeling less heartbroken at the time. I know that’s not an excuse. I’m not sure you could get over that or if my friends would accept that I’m not the same person I was in college. Possibly because of that, it wouldn’t work and we’d both be taking another chance on each other. The distance would still be an issue, and if it ever amounted to anything serious again, one of us would have to move.

Despite it all, I so badly want to reach out again. A few days after our call, I texted you my feelings. You never answered, and that in itself should be my answer. I know I can’t reach out again but now it’s for different reasons. When I reached out initially, I just wanted you to stop haunting my dreams. The more I analyze these dreams that don’t seem to stop, the more I wish we could try again. I don’t want this relationship to just be a fond memory. Regardless of what I want, you are happy, and I’m trying to be happy for you because you really do deserve it. On the other hand, I can’t let you continue with this relationship without you knowing how I feel. I’d like to think it would change your mind, because we both deserve a love that consumes us like in the books and movies. I’d like to think that we are both a decision away from a new life together, but maybe our future only exists in my dreams.