Mayhaps My Dirty Talk Could Use A Little Work

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  1. “Do you like it? Do you like this sexy sex thing that I am sexing you with?”
  2. “I’m gonna fuck you worse than Chris Christie fucked up traffic in the Fort Lee greater metropolitan area.” (Sotto voce, whisper): “And also worse than he fucked up his 2016 presidential aspirations.”
  3. “You’re a real dirty girl, aren’t you? Hey would you be interested in learning more about Scientology after we’re done this?”
  4. “I’mma fuck you worse than Starbucks fucked up my order for a Triple Venti Soy No Foam Latte.”
  5. “Did you remember to feed the cat? — uhhhh, sex.”
  6. “Are you my little slut?” (Note: this one is not funny, but I actually tried it in real life. The girl sort of grimaced in appallment.)
  7. “So, I’m glad that you could all join me here today for this exciting event; not only does today mark the 394th anniversary of the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock, but it also marks the occasion of our first hot-n’-heavy threesome.”
  8. “Hi-five! Now, down low! …Naw; too slow.”
  9. “Do you like that, huh? I mean, ‘like’ in the limited, humean scene, not in the grander, Kantian sense.”
  10. “I mean, wha-aaaat is the deal with dirty talk, amirite? How come we have dirty talk, but not clean talk? Like: ‘I found that very enjoyable. Thank you. Here’s my card if you need to follow up on this for any reason’ …Okay; hi-five again!”