Mitch Hedberg Was Twitter, Before Twitter Was Twitter


We all love Mitch Hedberg for his hilarious one liners and if you aren’t familiar with his work, go listen right now. I’ll wait for you. You’re back? Great! The COLD HARD FACT is that our favorite stoner often delivered one liners, with punch-lines that sometimes left us laughing and confused, in under 140 characters, much like the funniest people on Twitter. Are there still skeptics out there? Well then, let’s take a look at some of his jokes that might be on the site today and their character count:

“Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m fuckin’ angry. Germs do not go quietly.” (Character count: 99)

“I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said, all right, fuck back on.” (Character count: 98)

“I ran some Evian water through a filter… the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin’ pure.” (Character count: 86)

“I remixed the remix… it was back to normal.” (Character count: 43)

“Dogs are forever in the pushup position.” (Character count: 40)

“I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to its exact purpose!” (Character count: 124)

“Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?” (Character count: 103)

“I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. “What does a giraffe taste like?” “A hippopotamus!” (Character count: 121)

“I get the Reese’s candy. If you read that name Reese’s, that’s an apostrophe S. That means the candy bar is his. I didn’t know that.” (Character count: 133)

“If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house well, I was lost, but now I live here I have severely improved my predicament” (Character count: 140)

“I got a business card… because I want to win some lunches.” (Character count: 58)

“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.” (Character count: 96)

“I order the club sandwich all the time. And I’m not even a member, man. I don’t know how I get away with it.” (Character count: 108)

“I don’t have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.” (Character count: 82)

“I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said, “Fuck that, I’ll just get a tan instead.” (Character count: 93)

“I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It’s like, “Dude, you have to wait.” (Character count: 75)

“I bought a house. It’s a two bedroom house. But I think it’s up to me how many bedrooms there are, don’t you?” (Character count: 109)

“I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient.” (Character count: 76)

“I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” (Character count: 55)

“My hotel doesn’t have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c’mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.” (Character count: 140)


Mind. Blown.