Mourning The Breakup That Never Really Happened

Modern dating is seriously a labyrinth. I’m never sure if we’re really dating. If we’ve got something good. Does a kiss on the forehead mean he cares? More importantly, if he asks about my day, checks in on me, and brings me food… that surely means we’re something, right? Who knows…

For 10 months I was involved in a push and pull kind of affair. Whether it was something wracked my brain constantly. Does he love me? The answer was always a solid, disenfranchised maybe. I take some credit for the folly, I didn’t ask — he didn’t tell. We were trapped in moments that felt like dates, wine and food, movies, cuddling. You name it. The only deprivation of a true relationship was the mention of what (if anything) we were. I knew his fears, his goals, his childhood and his insecurities. He knew mine too. The signs of it being casual were few and far between. Except, of course, that we never mentioned what we were.

Eventually (after 9 months) I cracked and asked him where it was heading. For a while he said he didn’t know, probably nowhere. So, I tried to leave. I’m not the type to moon over a person and stay attached. I wanted to go forward. Until, he seemed afraid. He pulled me back, sweet-nothings that mirrored love, and perhaps on my part was delusional to take it for anything more than the fear of loss, and not genuine want.

This proceeded for a month. Until I finally cut it off. But, I’m now left wondering… what have I cut off? Were we dating? Was I just something to play with? I’m not blaming him… I’m just confused. Very, very confused. We live in a world where we yell at Taylor Swift for being heart-broken so often, we yell at her because her relationships seem fast and loose and we’re never really sure where it’s going… or how long it lasts… but…

Are we really doing better in our own relationships? Social pressures like being “Facebook Official” or parading photos around to our friends seem to have polarized relationships even more. The personal connection isn’t always met with an official status and even when it is, there’s never a way to tell if this is “for real” or if someone is going to get scared and walk off. True, this has always happened but now more than ever we seem trapped in situations where no one really knows their value to others. I know that I have no clue.

Whether or not we were ever together is probably a matter of opinion. I’d say yes, he’d say no. It’ll never have a real answer. That’s 10 months of my life spent with someone I loved, without ever really being honest with myself. I take responsibility for my part. I should have asked sooner. I should have made sure we were on the same page. Instead, I drove myself crazy with maybes. That helped no one. Instead of taking myself seriously and being honest with what I wanted I’ve left myself scared and confused while wading through the unknown. While relationships will always involve risk they shouldn’t involve a deterioration of self. Instead of mourning maybes we should be out looking for somethings. I’m sick of holding my phone and wondering what the next message will be. I’m sick of analyzing his Facebook page and wondering if every girl that posts is someone he’d rather be with.

I want to feel loved. I want to feel like I am respected by my partner. I don’t want to question every movement, every word. Did the night he spent with me mean something? Was he walking down the street with another girl because he didn’t want me? How could the most real relationship I’ve ever had be fake?

I’d rather wear my heart on my sleeve and use my words. I’m a writer, damn-it. Why is it so easy to speak to the world but not the person that’s sitting next to you? We need to take back our voices. Love is messy — but it should be truthful. Let’s put down the phone and look the other person in the face. Let’s ask the tough questions. Let’s love openly, and if it ends… at least we can mourn a break-up that actually happened.