Move Over Average Barbie; Meet Fan-of-Batman Batman!


So if you haven’t heard about average Barbie yet, you’re missing out. In response to feminist calls for a more realistic doll for young girls, artist Nikolay Lamm has created Lammily, a Barbie with the proportions of an average 19 year old girl. This is a huge step towards making the world a perfect place where we aren’t imprisoned by the socially oppressive imagery of children’s toys.

This is really great because original Barbie is extremely problematic. You see, children aren’t motivated to want toys because the toys are popular and they want be popular, they want toys because they want to be the toys. When a child engages in play, they are thinking critically on a collegiate level. They aren’t just sitting there making Barbie get in her car and drive to the mall, they are consciously analyzing every aspect of the engagement. They are thinking, “This Barbie doll is indicative of society’s expectations of me, a seven year old. I should do my best to emulate this product so I can live a happy life, like Barbie, an inanimate 7 inch piece of plastic that I’m going to shave and color in with blue marker.”

Average Barbie solves this problem by removing those expectations, and it allows girls to just be who they are – consumers. Why should we expect a girl to be pretty? Isn’t it okay to just be average looking as long as you are still buying dolls? Of course it is. It’s really great that someone has finally come around and said, “Girls, you’re almost perfect the way you are. All you need is a toy that looks like you.”

But what about the boys? Don’t hyper masculine super heroes and action figures have the same effect on our nation’s prepubescent future rapists? They sure do, and there’s finally a solution. Meet Fan-Of-Batman Batman! A superhero created to address the ongoing problem of Hollywood’s war on boys.

The original Batman action figures promote the false idea that there’s something wrong with being an obese, barely employed man whose only semblance of masculinity is the impotent hatred of women he displays on Reddit. It’s telling kids that there’s nothing special or important about being average, and that’s just wrong.

Fan-of-Batman Batman however, is completely normal and average. He’s marginally employed, his political opinions are informed mostly by Bioshock, and instead of being an orphan billionaire, he’s a thousand-aire with too much parental support. His super power isn’t karate and gadgets, it’s his complacency towards his dreadful existence. He leads by example, not by force.

While the original Batman lives a double life, Fan-of-Batman Batman barely lives a life at all. He spends most of his time voicing his opinions about atheism on Youtube, and he’s an overnight stock clerk at Harris Teeter. He shows young boys that forces of evil – such as government boogeymen and turning 30 years old – are nothing to be afraid of. He shows boys that it’s okay to be yourself.

Currently, the product is still in development, and Fan-of-Batman Batman is facing some financial trouble. Due to Fan-of-Batman Batman’s libertarian outlook, the Kickstarter project to fund the toy was seen as hypocritical, and it failed to secure even the smallest donation. An effort is being made to resurrect the project through Bitcoin VCs, but don’t hold your breath, Fan-of-Batman Batman has already announced his jubilation in regards to his own failure, noting, “I would be the worst Batman ever. I’m so glad this failed. Total insult to true Batman fans like myself, Fan-of-Batman Batman.”