Movies Made By Men Must Be Banned

As you know, I am a very cultural young woman, and this is, like, especially true when it comes to appreciating the wonders of the cinema (or la cînëmátique, as we culturally astute people know it’s called).

I have Netflix, I don’t get annoyed by black and white movies (Film de Négro), and I watched a quarter of a French film once. So yeah, I guess you could say I am bit of a movie connoisseur. (If you’re reading this and you’re famous you should invite me to that big Cans festival, OK?)

While I am like a super arid viewer of all that is cinema, being a huge fan of cinematic masterpieces such as Mary Kate and Ashley: Passport to Paris, Miley Cyrus’s LOL, and Pootie Tang, I also recognize the dark darkness that lies doormat between the frames of the Film Industry.

Horrifically, only a few percent of all the top, blockbuster movie hits have been directed by strong, independent women, and even less by retarded, disabled queer women of color. For a feminist like myself (and anyone with a brain), this is like, a problematic, obvious symptom that the Film Industry is holding back all these intelligent, creative and talented women just because they are women.

It’s not that women aren’t having as many great ideas—like, I personally know female directions who have gone to studios with ideas that the studios predicted would make 10s of billions of dollars, but they still rejected them for being women (not gonna mention any names). Research has shown that a new Avatar is literally thought up by women directors every day, but as they’re being held back by the Patriarchy, they never get to realize their dreams.

We know there are only a few successful female directors, but why are there so few female directors overall?

It is irrefootball that the fact that there are so many successful male directors is preventing women from having the confidence to pick up a camera themselves. Studies have shown that 95% of all 7-year-old girls who’re asked, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” answer that they want to be directors of huge action movies, but show them a picture of Woody Allen and their answer dramatically changes to sexist jobs such as “vet, nurse or teacher.” (Show them a picture of Quentin Tarantino, and most report a loss of faith in life being worth living.)

So what can be done to change these yucky statistics? Do we sever the branches of consumers that are feeding the Patriarchal mega monster that is the Film Industry—namely, White Men?

We all know white men have a history of gratuitously watching movies, a tradition born when bored-out-of-their mind slave masters would park their asses on the porch and watch slapstick comedies while their slaves were working in the fields like cattle. This used to be referred to as “A Moo-View,” which later evolved into today’s word “movie.”

The White Man has since spread his influence and gravitas in the film industry through encouraging other white men to watch movies and by saying things like “Dude, you gotta check this shit out” or “That movie is sick, bro.” This has spawned a milky fungi of albino eyeballs being glued hungrily to the big screens for decades—as a result, the movie industry has become White Man-centric and woman-shut-outty.

One solution would be to kill a white men as this would, like, shift the market and let female consumers, who have a better taste in movies anyway, control what is made or whatever (something that would in turn lead to superior female directors being let into the light), but doing this would be messy, time-consuming and it would remove all the hot guys from the Earth. (sorry ehtnics) (lol)

The better solution would be to get to the root of the problem—the male directors and the movies made by them.

That’s right—we have to ban movies made by men. That is the only solution. Burn them, delete them from the Internet, prevent Cheeto-fingered male directors from sneakily making new ones. Now, If I had my way no one would be able to watch a movie directed by men as soon as tomorrow, but unfortunately I think we need quite a long phasing-out period.

My goal, if I can get Hollywood to listen, is that by 2020 nobody will have access to films made by men. It will be illegal to possess films made by men and any underground peddling of such material will be punished. Man-made movies will be the new kiddie porn. This way, Hollywood will become much more tolerant and women will get a foot in the Film Industry. Genius, right? (Of course it is; I made it up.)

And for those of you who like watching movies, like don’t worry, most movies made by men suck anyway. There’s tons of good movies made by women…like…well…there’s that one…Marie Antoinette from 2006, yeah you’ll have to make do with that one (Sorry, no Star Wars and Return of the Yeti for you white men.)

So yeah, we must ban movies made by men, spread the word and tell Mr. Hollywood that Anne Gus sent you. Toodles.