Mr. Right Won’t Have Half The Qualities On Your ‘List’


There are a bunch of ways that women sabotage themselves when it comes to finding love. One of them revolves around “The List,” or, the list of things required for a man to measure up.

Now, I’m a big supporter of knowing exactly what you want in a man— down to having a list of exactly which attributes you want him to have— but there’s a catch.

The list is the roadmap, and without one, we cannot know where we are going— which is why every woman who is out there dating should take the time to actually sit down and think about exactly which traits she wants her dream man to have, i.e. “make the list.”

But when I talk about “making your list” and having standards, sometimes I’m misunderstood— and it’s time to clarify what should go on that list and the things that need to get cut.

Here’s what often makes it onto our lists:

  • Tall or tall(er) than us
  • Handsome
  • Rich
  • Our “type” (hard to quantify)
  • Kind
  • Intelligent
  • Wants children or doesn’t

So what’s the problem with this list? The physical expectation portion.

Requiring your dream man to be handsome, rich, tall and exactly your type trips women up on the road to finding love.

When we try to dictate exactly what our soulmate will look like in the physical realm, usually we skip over all of the internal because the physical is what we see first. This is basic, but important when you’re doing something like internet dating, where it’s easy to meet men one after another.

If you expect that when Mr. Right shows up, he’ll be exactly 3 inches taller than you and look exactly the way you imagined he would when you were seven years old and planning your Barbie dream wedding— you’re probably going to be sorely disappointed.

And the choices that you’ll make based on these external criteria will suck.

This “process, judge, discard” process based on physical appearance is does us no favors. It’s how you get to go on 130 first dates but no second dates.

It’s like judging the meal before tasting it. You can’t know what a man is really like without getting to know him at least a little, just like plenty of amazing looking meals fall flat in the taste and satisfaction department.

I do not mean that sexual attraction isn’t important— it sure is. But sexual attraction can turn on a DIME for women.

Sexual attraction isn’t just something that someone else either has or doesn’t have. Often women find themselves heavily attracted to a man after she gets to know him. It’s like a switch flips and suddenly, he’s the most attractive man in the world.

This is why sometimes we fall for “that weird guy at work” who looks nothing like we would imagine. Because we had time to get to know him better in a no pressure environment. Real love comes from the inside… so WHY are we so dang hung up on the physical at first?

It’s easier. It’s easier in SO MANY WAYS. We can discard, judge and move on without investment. We can judge that book by it’s cover when we’re afraid, too. Or hurt, or not ready, or… hung up on someone else. These kinds of list line items become just another way we sabotage ourselves in our search for love.

So what kinds of things should actually go on your list?

Things like:

  • Kindness
  • Intelligence
  • Drive
  • Sense of humor
  • Respect
  • Wonder
  • Excitement
  • Persistence
  • Tolerance
  • Slow to anger
  • Values
  • Goals
  • Similar life path
  • Tolerance
  • Optimism

It’s reasonable to want a man who is kind, intelligent and in possession of a wicked sense of humor— for these are the things that will make your life together rich and wonderful. These are kinds of standards that will serve you well in the long run. Be slower to discard based on the physical.

“The One” will probably not look how you imagined him to look (he never does).

Keep an open mind when it comes to the physical, but hold the line when it comes to values, temperament and life path. If you don’t leave yourself open to meeting a wonderful man who might not look the way you’re hoping he will on the outside… you’re missing out.

So make your list, but when you’ve gotten it all on paper, go through and remove the physical. Trust that it will all work out in the long run.

This post originally appeared at Attract The One.