Musings Of A Relationship Shark

I’m a Relationship Shark. I have an instinct for when something is wrong between you and your man. I can smell the blood in the water.

Between you and your man. I can smell the blood in the water.

Cue up the “Jaws” theme.

I’m a Relationship Shark. I can take one look at a couple and see everything that’s going wrong. I know what you’re fighting about, how long you’ve been fighting, and how long it’ll take for your relationship to bleed out. No feeding frenzy here, just circling in choppy waters.

I’m a Relationship Shark. It’s a predatory thing. I see all the signs. Standing close and whispering in those clipped, rushed phrases means he’s embarrassing you and “We will deal with this when we get home.” When you’re looking in his face, it means you’re madder than hell. When you can’t look at him, it means you’re about to cry. Every time he rolls his eyes or crosses his arms it’s one more step towards the figurative door and, honey, you’re pushing him.

I’m a Relationship Shark, not because my plan is to rush in and take a bite, but because I can’t help myself in calculating precisely your downward spiral. Blood in the water, remember? It’s almost too easy, because you all make the same mistakes. If the spark has gone out, all someone has to do is offer up a new position or maybe something sexy underneath a flirty date-night dress. If he misses hanging out with his bros, we don’t text him for a few days. Let him think he’s running free, but he’ll come back, because he’s clingier than you realize. I can see all these things, but you don’t, and that is why you will lose.

I’m a Relationship Shark because it’s through cold, dead eyes that I’m watching your relationship break it’s self on the rocks. It doesn’t excite me in any way; I’m not here to be the home wrecker. I just call it as I see it. But, I’m not the only predator circling; we can all smell the blood in the water. I wish you could learn, but you never do, and sooner or later your relationship will stop floundering and some Relationship Shark is gonna snap you up.