My 25 (More) Irrational Social Phobias Will Seriously Punch a Hole In The Universe, Though
By Jeremy Glass
A couple months ago, I wrote My (30) Irrational Social Phobias Will Destroy Me Before They Destroy You. Foolishly, I thought that I had explained every single type of fear coursing through my brain and that I had properly explained every possible scenario that scared me. Low and behold, as months passed, more fears popped up. So I present twenty-five more inexplicable phobias that I think about often for some reason.
1. Walking down the street with a toothpick, tripping and sending the toothpick into my jugular vein.
2. Having someone knock on my door as I’m holding two cups of boiling hot coffee while struggling with the painful urge to poop.
3. Taking a huge sip of beer as someone tells me something sad, then choking on the beer and spitting it all over their fifty-page thesis.
4. Making a “your mom” joke to someone whose mom has recently passed away. Then forgetting, and doing it again. Then doing it again a few months later.
5. Being asked to recite the ending to a movie that I lied about seeing and being called out on it, coupled with the uncomfortable urge to poop.
6. Meeting a celebrity, getting overcome with anxiety and then accidentally sexually assaulting them.
7. Sending an excruciatingly honest and insightful email to an employer and accidentally attaching a dick pic.
8. Sitting on my best friend’s homemade, expensive model train set, and then having them yell at me so hard they start crying.
9. The thought that if there’s a bug in my salad, I’ll just pick it out and continue eating like it’s not even a thing.
10. Snapchatting with an ex-girlfriend and then having her immediately text me after with the explicit instructions to never Snapchat her again.
11. Changing the background to a friend’s computer, and then they start hysterically sobbing because I accidentally deleted a picture of their recently deceased sibling.
12. Walking into a friend’s apartment for a party and complaining about a foul smell. Years later, they confide in me that the smell was the aftermath of their girlfriend’s monster bowel movement, and the embarrassment from my remark was a direct contributor to her suicide.
13. Having a severe itch near my crotch, vigorously scratching it, then having my mom walk into the room and leave convinced I’m masturbating.
14. Re-enacting that hilarious scene from Jurassic Park where Alan pretends to get electrocuted near a girl whose parents were both electrocuted to death.
15. Having a friend try to convince me of a point, changing my mind on my own, then having the friend forever convinced I’m weak-willed.
16. Filming an interview with a notable public figure for an important company, then finding out the lens cap was on the camera the entire time.
17. Shaking Elvis Costello’s hand, then watching him smell his hand and gag as he walks away.
18. Being told I’m a waste of time by the most beautiful woman in the entire world, coupled with painful gas.
19. Having my fiance tearfully confess that she cheated on me, then I tell her that I cheated on her too and admit that it’s a huge relief to get it off my chest, only to find out that she was just lying and wanted to test me.
20. Being kicked out of a fancy restaurant with a blind date for being too underdressed, then having my debit card rejected in Wendy’s.
21. Doing one of those stupid dances people do when they’re all alone in a house, only to find out that a group of 200 orphaned Asian children have been watching me from across the street and crying.
22. Accidentally tracking in dogshit all over a relative’s expensive white rug, then tripping into an urn as I attempt to take my shoes off and spilling the ashes all over the dog shit.
23. Being told my behavior is wildly inappropriate by a notable holocaust survivor.
24. Being found in my apartment weeks after I’ve died, with my left hand stuck in a Pringles can.
25. Ruining Thanksgiving by forgetting to turn the oven on and then being yelled at by the father of whoever I’m dating. “You ruined Thanksgiving! You ruined it!”