My (30) Irrational Social Phobias Will Destroy Me Before They Destroy You


Ok, so chances are not everyone shares the same fears that circulate in my brain on the daily. But, in the spirit of honesty and the holiday or whatever, I’ve decided to relinquish a list of my top thirty fears that could legitimately happen and…have already happened. It’s a lot easier if you start every number with “Jeremy Glass is afraid of…”

1. Being lured into dancing by someone’s mom

2. Maintained eye contact

3. Droplets of urine on gray pants

4. The best blowjob ever coupled with the worst need to poop ever

5. Forgetting my own name

6. Being pushed into the tracks of an oncoming train by a celebrity

7. Accidentally climaxing to an image of my dad

8. Lying about seeing a movie to a friend who then asks you to tell them how it ends

9. Forgetting the words to a song and having everyone notice and laugh

10. Thinking of an awesome rap and then immediately blanking when it’s your turn to rap

11. Failed hash tags #bonerwreck

12. Accidentally calling your friend the name of their deceased relative

13. The best text message ever with the dumbest typo ever

14. Being told to put your cell phone away by a supervisor and having them notice you’re blushing

15. Getting asked what you’re eating when you’re chewing on ice and the subsequent explanation that follows

16. Comparing a friend a famous actress who you’ve forgotten has gotten super-fat

17. Meeting an Albino black person and desperately trying not to ask them what it’s like being black and Albino.

18. Accidentally using words like “oriental” or “mulatto”

19. Thinking it’s cool jacket weather when it’s industrial wool coat weather

20. Talking to a girl I like who mentions her boyfriend, then I mention my boyfriend, when in fact I’m a straight male

21. Making a joke about duck rape to someone who doesn’t know about the phenomenon, or was raped once

22. Having an itch on my nose and then noticing there is a hair in my mouth directly after

23. Getting a friend request by my boss on Facebook

24. Spilling a soda on a new friend’s computer

25. Asking for a sip of someone’s drink and then sneezing it all out on them

26. Eating the garnish

27. Trying to explain Twitter to an impoverished child who’s just lost their family to war

28. Jumping into a pool and splashing water on your friend’s dad’s camera

29. Accidentally eating a very hungry person’s dinner

30. Being woken up in the morning by a phone call, getting asked if they woke you up, lying about it, and then being asked if you just lied

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