My Fantasy Draft For A Film Adaptation Of LYSISTRATA

It would open with two girls lounging. One girl looks like Lorde, like Malala Yousafzai but Lorde, definitely hot, no makeup. She’s like “Fuck the war, fuck the economy, everything sucks, guys are stupid. We need to wage war on males by not fucking them.”

Her peppy energetic Asian friend, Kyary Pamyu, is like, “Noooo, but I like having sex with males.”

LORDE: Everyone likes having sex with males, but we have to get them to listen to us. Our children are dying.

Kyary Pamyu makes an exaggerated “fussy face.”

LORDE: Too bad, we have to give up cock.

KRYAY: But what if they beat us?

LORDE: Then we’ll kiss them.

KRYAY: What if they rape us?

LORDE: Then we’ll moan.

Lorde is getting annoyed that the females from surrounding villages have not shown up yet. She says something racist about them and it’s funny.

Just when you think they’re not going to come, we start hearing feminine voices.

All of the soldier girls emerge!!!

They’re like little Coco Chanels, they can’t stop talking about clothes and hair and skin. They’re like M.I.A. mixed with Coco Chanel.
For the sake of budget: there’s one hot older woman, two fat women, two young girls, all different colors (two blue and purple girls) and they’re all different shapes- mostly thick and brown though. (They can’t all look like white college drama club girls.)

Also their clothes are like Jessie Andrews’ AVN Awards dress designed by Naomi Spindel.

Minimal makeup. Oil on the skin to make them glisten in the light. Natural hair. They compliment each other.

“Oh my god, nice ass.”

A girl is doing yoga, showing off.

“Great tits.”

LORDE: Great, we will sacrifice a pig and drink its blood. It will give us the energy we need to fight.

GIRLS: YEAHHH (cheering) LET’S KILL A PIG!

LORDE: And we’re gonna get wasted. Liquid courage.

GIRLS: YEAHHH (cheer) LET’S GET FUCKED UP!

So they drink wine and sacrifice a pig and it’s really off-putting but also exciting. (We can’t tell if it’s real or not.) Then the girls start strategizing. They have buckets of gasoline. Some of the women are hesitant and don’t want to leave their husbands. Lorde tries to resolve this by telling them they’ll just get a lot of dildos.

The males intrude. They’re all like UFC fighters mixed with male models. Oily and wearing fabrics, black ski masks, rusty metal chains, dirty. They look like drug lords and terrorists and kamikaze pilots. ALL HAWT. Jon Kortajarena is their leader.

JON KORTAJARENA: Oh look, a bunch of dumb drunk sluts.

LORDE: We’re not sluts, we’re not having sex anymore until you stop fighting and ruining the environment.

JON KORTAJARENA: Shut up. I’m going to beat you.

The boys get out their leather straps and it’s hot.

LORDE: OH REALLY?

All the girls stand up.

LORDE: I will personally cut off your head and eat your eyeballs.

IGGY AZALEA: I will impale your ass with a broken piece of wood until you bleed or starve to death.

JON KORTAJARENA: Haha, yeah right. You’re too weak.

LORDE: I’ll set all of you on fire right now.

JON KORTAJARENA: Oh. (Getting nervous) How?

They start dousing the males in gasoline and a fight scene emerges, like actual fighting. Clothes get pulled off, so they’re only wearing American Apparel lingerie 😉
They’re pulling out hair, there’s bloodshed, bruises, actual hitting (no ridiculous action sound effects, just actual struggle.) The girls overpower them and win. (They win because there are more of them and a couple of them are actually really strong.) (Also, It’s part capoeira.)

NICK NEWELL: Fuck, I’m wet.

JON JONES: I ejaculated.

The girls start taunting the males with fire.

JON KORTAJARENA: We’ll be back you wretched little cunts!

Two guys are left behind. They start bullying the girls. The girls torment them, telling them they’re going to dress them up like women at their funerals, decorating them with beautiful wreaths and flowers, pretending that they’re already corpses. The males become frightened.

After this Jon Kortajarena comes back and says that females can’t be politics. Lorde says females take care of the household and that is already just like politics. Jon Kortajarena says not it’s not. Lorde says yes it is.

Lorde tells the ladies to strip, to flaunt their sexual power, as they’d planned. BIG STRIP SCENE. It gets nasty. There’s oil and asses and fluorescent thongs. (It’s not some white college girls seeming genuinely liberated doing burlesque.) (Some of the actors should definitely be aerial artists.) The males start throwing all of their money at them, hypnotized.

They hypnotize the males into recoiling and as they leave, it is bitter because the females are upset about not being able to fuck. They just decide to have sex with each other. They continue stripping and some of them start making out and grabbing each other’s tatter tots. One of the girls tries to sneak away.

LORDE: Ah, ah, ah, where are you going?

MY CAMEO: I have to go back home. Uh, I’m pregnant.

I clearly have a bucket under my dress. Lorde taps on it.

LORDE: It’s hard.

ME: It’s a boy.

Lorde takes out the bucket.

LORDE: You said you were pregnant.

ME: I am! I need the bucket in case I shit out my miscarriage like a pigeon on the sidewalk.

Lorde’s like “nope, not happening.”

Then a message comes. It’s from one of the husbands, he wants to fuck his wife really badly and he’s begging for it, he’ll do anything. The females start talking about plans to tease them, never giving in to fucking them until the war is over.

Someone who can sing has to play the male in this scene. Cast a Frank Ocean or The Weeknd type guy.

THE WEEKND: (not singing yet) Come back.

LITTLE GIRL: But I can’t.

THE WEEKND: But I want to fuck you.

LITTLE GIRL: No, because of the war our baby is being neglected.

THE WEEKND: Then come back and take care of it.

LITTLE GIRL: No, I can’t.

THE WEEKND: Then listen to the sound of his voice.

A 6-year-old child soldier comes out crying.

LITTLE GIRL: MY BABY!!!

She opens up her arms and squeezes him.

THE WEEKND: But only if you fuck me right now.

He pulls the child away and it vanishes. The girl is sad but remembers what the females had previously planned.

LITTLE GIRL: Okay, let’s fuck.

There is a funny scene where she pretends she can’t get in the right mood. He’s like yeah, yeah, hurry up. She wants nice ambience and oils. By the time she gets the oil, he’s so frustrated he calls her a dumb cunt bitch and then she leaves him and he doesn’t get to fuck her.

He sings a sad song about how much he misses her and it’s a very emotional moment, very genuinely sad- it is the turning point of the story.

Muscular, half naked hot dudes, come out and they all have big crazy boners. It’s been days since they’ve fucked. They’re going crazy. It’s unhealthy. Laura Jane Grace comes out and negotiates with everyone. She convinces the males to sign a peace treaty. They’re like “You know what, you’re right, war sucks.”

*LAURA JANE GRACE PHOTO*

They all have a nice celebration and share water together and they get drunk off of the water. (It’s metaphorical.)

Then there is a zoom-out and it’s me in the editing room with the editor and we are celebrating finishing our film adaptation of Lysistrata. Then we hear knocking on the door and its some terrorists and they’re mad about the production and they keep asking where is “Lorde” and I’m like “I don’t know, calm down, it’s a movie,” and then they torture us and my head gets chopped off except it’s cute and funny.

Then the title rolls up, credits, music, big thank you to Aristophanes.