My First Father’s Day Without You, Dad

It’s the day I’m dreading. The one day this year where I’m possibly going to drown in my tears. I’ll have to turn off all social media and refrain from Instagram because I don’t want to see all those father’s day posts and celebrations plastered everywhere.

I’ve been told the first time is always the hardest. Sure, there are people in worse situations. Some even in having lost both parents at a young age, but any loss of a parent is hard. I never thought I’d be the one writing “RIP” at the end of pictures and posts of my father so soon. I’m not even 21 yet.

You know what’s really annoying. It’s getting those e-mails from places like DSW saying “get shoes for dad this Father’s Day…” like okay, maybe I’m being over-dramatic but I don’t want to see them.

But dad, I believe you’re always watching over me. I feel your presence. And I wanna say…

I’m sorry for everything that’s happened after your passing. I’m sorry that we lost your house after you looked after it for 30 years. I wanted to get married in that house, I guess that’s not going to happen.

You spent your last days trying to secure it for me mostly, at least, that’s what you told all your friends; but because it was a gift passed on to you from generations there are a lot of odds we’re facing that weren’t in the plan.

I’m sorry all your business and deeds you thought that were finished got undone. I’m also sorry that your furniture and a lot of your personal belongings got stolen by whom we thought were our loved ones.

I’m sorry you died that way you did and I hope you didn’t suffer. Some people think it could’ve been drugs or alcohol but everyone who knows you, knows you never sipped a drink a day in your life.

Maybe it really was just a rip tide that took you away, but you were a great swimmer. Maybe it was a heart attack, but I guess I’ll never know.

I remember the call exactly when I heard the news that “they found a body in the water and they think that it’s you.”

I spent the night in the hospital because I couldn’t breath. My body and mind weren’t as strong as I always made them out to be.

I do hope you’re proud of me, though, and not ashamed of me in any way. I know you’re smiling down on me when I’m sitting with all your friends and taking your place.

I’ve finished sending all of your designs to your clients overseas. Your legacy is continuing and I hope that you’re pleased.

I’ll take over and work on your business as much I can. I’ll continue to sell and spread your work; it’s so beautiful and cherishable that it deserves to be all over the world.

I was emptying out the office and the house and I found pictures of mom and me. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of when we were all “we”.

You really loved her didn’t you and wanted her back. That’s what you said to the neighbor who asked you when she’d be back.

I’m glad I got to spend the last three summers with you. I know you loved that, too.

I listen to Sinatra almost everyday and your Stetson’s are hanging in my room.

I miss your hugs and your humor. I could tell you almost everything and you never muttered.

You became my best friend the past three years, and I’m sorry we couldn’t be together all the time through the years.

I remember when you visited me while I was living in Rome. We were taking a walk and I saw a puppy in a window and screamed because I didn’t want to let it go.

You dragged me home only so I could find that same puppy was already waiting for me at the door as a surprise.

I miss you dad, and I hope you continue to watch over me. Please give me strength and try to show up in my dreams.