My Insecurities Ruined My Chances With You

I was too nervous to text you. I was too scared to admit how I felt.

I assumed you were out of my league. I assumed you would never feel the same way about me because you could do so much better.

I held myself back from chasing after you because I was convinced it would lead to rejection. I never thought there was a chance you would want me.

I accidentally sabotaged our chances of building a relationship because I closed myself off. I avoided you because I didn’t want my feelings for you to deepen. I resisted the urge to text you first and like your photos because it seemed like a waste of my time.

I didn’t want to give you the opportunity to break my heart. I didn’t want to embarrass myself by admitting how I felt about you and having you turn me down gently.

My insecurities ruined my chances with you. Instead of starting conversations with you, I turned the other way. Instead of flirting with you, I shoved my feelings deep down in my stomach. I refused to put myself out there. 

You never even knew how I felt about you. You had no idea what thoughts would run through my head every time we locked eyes because I worked hard to keep my feelings a secret.

I didn’t think there was any reason to tell you about my crush. I never thought I was good enough for you. I never thought I was pretty enough or bubbly enough or exciting enough. I thought you could do better. I thought you were looking elsewhere.

Every time you so much as spoke to another girl, I assumed you had feelings for her. I prepared myself for the day when your relationship status changed. I expected the disappointment.

Meanwhile, you could have kissed my on the lips and I still would have sworn you weren’t interested. If you asked me out, I would think it was a joke. If you called me pretty, I would wonder what you were trying to get out of me. It didn’t matter what you said to me. Nothing could convince me you were stupid enough to like me.

If I was more confident, then maybe things would have ended differently. Maybe I would have had the courage to walk over to you, flip my hair back, and flirt with you. Maybe I would have had the guts to make the first move and ask you on a date. Maybe we would have ended up dating if I had more faith in myself.

I would hate for history to repeat itself. Even though I lost my chance with you, I’m not going to let my insecurities ruin relationships in the future. I am going to risk embarrassment and leave my heart on the line. I am going to flee from my comfort zone and chase after what I want. I am going to ignore my insecurities and tell myself I am worthy of love.