This Is What My Perfect Man Looks Like


As I get older (every day closer to spinsterhood, I’ve even started breeding cats), and the likelihood of finding the perfect man seems increasingly like some obscure, intangible dream, I decided to take matters into my own hands. Desperate times call for desperate measures, gentle reader. And so I soaked a rag in chloroform, snatched some manly-man bodies and retreated to the lab to chop them up and stitch them back together. So here you have it, my vision of masculine perfection:

  • James Franco’s face
  • Paul Walker’s body
  • Jason Segel’s legs, dick and height
  • The voice of Carl Sagan
  • The combined brain and wit of Kurt Vonnegut, Demetri Martin, Woody Allen and Aziz Ansari
  • The action hero bravado of John McClane
  • The musical talent of Bruce Springsteen
  • The culinary expertise of Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall
  • Ja Rule’s punctuality
  • Kelly Slater’s surf skills
  • A Tardis like Dr Who
  • A hat like Indiana Jones

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