New Study Suggests Your Trendy Beard May Have Poop On It


Well, this certainly gives new meaning to the term “shitfaced.”

A new study suggests that beards—those inscrutably popular male fashion accessories that should have perished forever with the Smith Brothers of cough-drop fame and late-1800s US presidents—are havens of bacterial filth.

In conjunction with a New Mexico TV station, microbiologist John Golobic of Quest Diagnostics ran a study where he swabbed volunteers’ beards and studied the results under a microscope. Some beards were loaded with normal bacteria, but others contained a nauseating stew of the type of microbes you’d find in a bus-station toilet. “These are the kinds of things you find in feces,” Golobic told a reporter. Such dirty rogue beards contained what Golobic described as “a level of uncleanliness that would be somewhat disturbing.”

I’ve said it many times, and I’ll say it again since you obviously aren’t listening: When men start shaving up top and women stop shaving down below, we will be on our way back to a sane and healthy world. Until then, the shit’s on your face, homie.