No, Band, You Can't Crash On Our Couch


Hey guys, killer set! Listen, about earlier – when we said it would be cool for you to stay at our place tonight – that’s actually not going to work.

It’s not you. Really! See, we’re not band people. We don’t usually come out to the rock club on a Tuesday night, and we especially don’t wait around for shows that say they’re going to start at 10 but really start after midnight (what’s up with that, right?).

But my wife, she downloaded your EP online. And I guess you guys are friends with some girl she went to high school with… I don’t remember her name, but, well, we thought “what the heck, let’s check ‘em out!”

Here’s the thing though – we’re really flattered you guys would even ask if you could stay at our house. But I noticed you’ve got a lot of people with you. Did you meet all of them here at the rock club? Or did they come with you from Brooklyn?

It doesn’t matter I guess. Usually I’m like, “the more the merrier!” But we’ve only got the one couch… and the futon in the den I guess. But my friend from work is borrowing our air mattress and…

Look, I’m just worried you guys would feel cramped. Plus – and this is just between you and me – my wife is not so sure about those girls you’ve been talking to. She says she saw one of them sniffing drugs in the bathroom! And we’ve got a pretty strict policy against drugs in our house.

But that’s neither here nor there. The bottom line is, we’ve got some really skittish cats. And when they’re around people they don’t know, they shed like CRAZY. I mean, I don’t know if any of you guys are allergic, but that could be a real recipe for disaster…

And – did I mention this already? – I’m actually the office manager for a real estate developer up the street. Anyway, we’re switching over to a new filing system, and since I’m kind of spearheading this thing, I’ve got to head in early tomorrow. Like 8 o’clock.

I mean, what time do bands usually wake up? Because I wouldn’t want to be stomping around, making coffee, emptying the litter boxes, etc. while you guys are trying to catch some Z’s.

Also, I don’t think we really have anything for breakfast. Maybe a few bagels in the freezer, but that’s about it. Oh, we got some bags of pita chips, buy-one-get-one-free the other day. That’s not really breakfast though…

Anyway, I just think it would be best for all parties involved if you guys maybe checked into a hotel or something. There’s a Comfort Inn right by the ramp to 95 – over by the industrial park where I work. I’ve heard good things.

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image – Ulvenas