No More Abortion Clinic “Buffer Zones”: What Does This Mean For Your Vagina?

The Massachusetts Supreme Court unanimously struck down a state law today that mandated a 35-foot “buffer zone” between abortion clinics and those fun-lovin’ sort of assholes who like to protest outside of them.

(Not that being an asshole has anything to do with abortion per se—you can be an asshole and either be for or against abortion, just as I’m sure you can be a nice person and be for or against it. But if you stand outside with picket signs protesting basically anything—especially if your “protest” involves heckling people who are probably already a mite shaken up—that automatically makes you an asshole. Do you really think it’s nice and Christlike to wave a five-foot photo of a shredded fetus in the face of someone who is probably already a pilled-up basket case? Even without the heckling, protestors are generally assholes—actually, all of them are. I protest the very idea of protestors. Down to the very last one of them, they are less pleasant than lanced boils.)

Alternet is calling this ruling “a dramatic blow to reproductive rights,” which is laying the menses on a bit thick, don’t you think? There are already laws against assault and harassment, so if the protestors (those assholes) get a bit too far up in a would-be abortin’ mama’s grille, the law still protects her. But if she really doesn’t want to have that baby, how fucking fragile is she to be incapable of handling a bit of heckling? If she’s truly determined to practice her “reproductive rights”—which in every case always seems to mean, “the right not to reproduce”—I think she’s OK.

People are also saying that buffer zones kept “armed crazies” from shooting women at point-blank range. Look, if the armed crazy can’t use a sniper rifle to hit a target from 35 feet, he has more problems than being armed and crazy. And this is further proof that every woman in America needs to own at least two guns—preferably as many as eight, they’re like cats or Chihuhuas—that they carry with them at all times, including in the boudoir. When our Founding Fathers wrote the Constitution, they included the Second Amendment to ensure that any woman who regrets becoming impregnated would able to blast off the faces of any would-be antagonist as she strutted into a medical center to have a doctor snuff her embryo with one shot.

This is being hailed as a victory for “free speech,” because when the Founding Fathers penciled in the First Amendment, they intended it strictly to enable meddlesome, self-righteous, finger-wagging, ululating losers whose moms could have done with a bloody good abortion way back before it was too late for them to morph into what they’ve become.

Basically, if you live in Massachusetts, have a vagina, and find that you have an unwanted fertilized egg nestled inside of it, here’s what this ruling means: You are still free to sashay into any state abortion clinic and have a doctor remove the offending lump of cells. But you may want to be extra-cautious, which essentially means arming yourself to the teeth so that you can quickly murder anyone foolish enough to think it’s a good idea to taunt you. True, this law may bring the protestors a little bit closer to you physically, but it does not hamper your God-given right to snuff your unloved fetus. Once your abortion is completed and they toss your dead baby into the dumpster, you can create as big a “buffer zone” between your vagina and your abandoned, inanimate child as you want—even halfway around the world, if you can afford it.

I think the Founding Mothers would have approved.