On Becoming Someone You No Longer Recognize


If years ago I could have looked into the future, I would be surprised to see how I have turned out.

I went from one side of the spectrum to the other.

My pool of emotions was carefully stored in one place until I decided to tip my toe into it. What I felt was an extremely suppressed force of water. I slowly walked down the pool, where the water came to my knees and later my waist. By the time the flavor of salt touched my lips, the strong gravity pulled me down and buried me with layers of fear. Everything turned pitch black in an instant.

For months, I was in a suffocating and anxious state, looking desperately for a way to swim back to the surface. Just when I thought I escaped the whirlpool, I ended up in another one. Swimming around with nothing in sight, I gave up fighting against it.

I decided to drift with the stream underneath me.

I soaked up the darkest waters and entered into an unfolding world of forgotten pain and memories. I began to put it together piece by piece and started to see what kind of consequences it led me to over the years. By the time I was done with the puzzle, the water became clearer and calmer.

On the other side of the whirlpool was a reflection of myself. But I didn’t recognize that reflection anymore.

Someone once said, ”Eyes are the window to the soul.”

It’s only too true.

The eyes that used to look out without any sense of caution are now in a constant mode of monitoring and adjusting to prevent me from running into something dangerous.

The hopeful sparkle I radiated through my windows is now covered by curtains that blacked out the burning sunlight during summer and cutthroat icy winds during winter.

After saying ”yes” to everyone who asked me for a favor, my eyes now say firmly ”no.”

Eyes that used to crave the attention and approval of absolutely everyone are no longer distracted and unfocused.

I bid my reflection farewell and thanked her for everything she has done for me. But I wished that she would never show up again in front of the mirror. Because I have moved on while she was still lingering in the past.