One Day You Won’t Have To Be The Only One Holding On Anymore

One day you won’t have to be the only one holding on anymore. You won’t have to engage in Whatsapp conversations that can leave you hanging at any message, making you wonder if you have said something wrong, if you could’ve done something better and be someone prettier. You won’t have to snug into someone’s arms at midnight and tell yourself this is enough… one night or two is enough… 10 pm till 7 am is enough… You won’t have to freeze time as they kiss you goodbye at the train station before work as it might be the very last kiss ever had between you two. You won’t have to watch them till they disappear (back) into the sea of strangers as it might be the very last sight of them in this short life you will never fully figure out. You won’t have to buy your own bullshit about living in the moment as if every second is the last.

One day you won’t have to hold onto fading memories anymore — to a past that is shared by two yet only treasured by one, to the what-ifs only you’ll ever ask, to that last kiss at the train station only you’ll ever miss, to a life that is already decided from the very beginning to never be tied to yours. You won’t have to try so pathetically to preserve every moment spent with that person — as trivial as them locking eyes with you two seconds too long — for it’s the only proof of connection between you and them. You won’t have to live with the ghosts of a long gone past while comparing every second of the present with what could be if the ghost wasn’t a ghost but actually that person right in front of you, gazing into your eyes, seeing you and only you. You won’t have to question and question again how it could be so easy for them to just move past you, past all the laughter that came from the heart, all the reflex kisses that didn’t know how to lie…

That person is like a thorn stuck in your heart — either you leave it there or pull it out, blood will drip and you will end up with so much hurt.

Perhaps right now you have a person like that. Right now you have to go through so much that telling yourself to be strong is not far from a practical joke. Perhaps you will even have to slowly, painfully figure out it could be that easy… easy to forget something no matter how magical it was, to move past someone no matter how great of the person they are. As you find yourself in another bedroom snuggling into another pair of arms, passionate kisses running along your neck, and by all means, you have fun and could totally imagine yourself falling for this one, yet somehow you wake up and walk out the door with no lingering or attachment. It’s when you feel a sharp pain in your chest realising it’s possibly how that person felt as they parted way with you at that train station, and it isn’t even anything personal. It’s just how it is. Sometimes in life you meet some people and it’s just not it. Sometimes you have to accept you’re not meant to reach just any soul and not every hello will stick forever.

For sure it’s not easy. Not easy at all to burst into tears every time you think about how amazing life must be if they chose you, every time you’re faced with the reality that they aren’t here and might never be here again, every time you have to tell yourself it’s okay they don’t want you the same, it’s okay they don’t remember your name some day soon. But it will be even harder if you keep holding onto these people who clearly don’t see your value because you will end up losing yourself day by day. It’s simply not worth it. They’re not worth it. No person who isn’t here with you right now is worth it. Though I’m sure, you know that. At the back of your messy mind, deep in your throbbing heart, you know you have a choice — a very conscious choice to stop robbing yourself of happiness, of a chance to be with someone who will hold onto you just as fiercely.

One day you won’t have to hold onto people like a drowning person desperate for a lifeboat anymore because you’re safe on the shore, secure in your own embrace of every exquisite detail you are. Then who knows, one day, you will meet someone new and feel the magic again. The difference is this time, they will know you so well that even when you two have to say goodbye for whatever reason, you won’t have to wonder whether they have loved you and will ever think of you. You know they do. You know you’re memorable and lovable like that.