Open Letter To Anyone Planning A Bank Heist

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Josh Gondelman. I am not a violent person, and I am generally very law-abiding. I’ve never been skydiving, and I don’t like scary movies. That said, if you are planning a bank heist in the near future, I would really love to be a part of it.

A bank heist seems like a great opportunity for personal and professional development. First of all, the camaraderie that comes from working with a heist crew is unmatched. Spending time with a bunch of guys (and one token girl, probably a former romantic interest of the group’s leader). Learning about each other. Working together. Hanging out in a nondescript van. These are the moments we live for, the stories we’ll tell our grandkids!

Additionally, although money is not my primary motivation for involvement in your bank heist, the financial upside is tremendous. It seems limited only by the size of the bank we choose to rob. Yes, I said we. I’m that excited about joining your team. After years working a nine to five job, I’m looking forward to a professional environment with a more equitable split of workload and profit. I think your (our!) bank heist would be the perfect fit.

The opportunity to work as part of a close-knit unit while having the initiative to employ my own specific skill-set is exactly what I’ve been looking for. You’re probably looking at my enclosed résumé and wondering what I bring to the table. And I agree; it’s not a traditional body of work for someone in the heisting industry. My work experience is primarily in the field of early childhood education with some time working in an office as well. I am not a demolitions expert, nor am I a small Asian contortionist. My track record of seducing the wives of bank owners is spotty at best. But I assure, you, I have a valuable set of skills that will aid (and abet) your objectives in both the short term and the long term.

First, and most importantly, I’m a team player. I’m not an ego guy. I know my weaknesses, and I’m not going to hog all the glory. I’ve never cracked a safe, so why would I demand to be on hand for the actual safe-cracking? I’m not muscular. Why would I volunteer to choke out an armed Wells Fargo guard? “Know thyself and be set free,” Socrates said. In my humble opinion, there has never been a more apt piece of heist advice.

So what are my skills? Well, I’m an excellent “chemistry guy.” Not in the sense of developing lock-corroding acids, but I’m an asset to the group dynamic. I’ve got a great sense of humor, and I’m willing to do the little things to keep people happy. I’ll make snack runs for the lookout. I’ll give hand massages to the precocious computer hacker. I’ll scan Consumer Reports for tips on what luggage might best surreptitiously transport stacks of nonconsecutive, unmarked bills. Plus I’m great at thinking up cool nicknames. Just ask my roommate, Justin “Madd Dogg” Morgan! What’s a heist without cool nicknames? Just a run of the mill robbery, that’s what.

My greatest skill, however, may lie in creating diversions. I am a young, but balding man of medium build. I’d look equally natural loudly complaining or passing out cold in front of an assembled crowd. I would make a very convincing fake hostage. People would have no problem believing I submitted to armed robbers. I have no qualms with crying in public. In fact, if you gave me a stroller, I would look a lot like a concerned father. “Where’s my baby?” I would yell, occupying the attention of bank staff members and customers alike. If it’s a deal-maker, I could even borrow a stroller. No, that’s stupid. I’d buy a new one. In cash, obviously. I’m always thinking, and I’m a self-starter. That, in addition to my college level Improvisation for Actors training would make me an ideal diversion for your bank robbing team.

If your crew is already complete, I totally understand. In that case, I’d like to offer you the use my car as your getaway vehicle. It’s a 1999 Toyota, but it’s usually pretty reliable. It’s grey with some dents. Not the kind of thing that attracts the attention of your average police officer. Just putting it out there. I’m happy to help in any way that I can. Team player, this guy.

In any case, good luck with your heist scheduling and orchestration. Please be in touch if you think I could be of some assistance to you. Have a great day, and I hope to hear from you soon!

Sincerely,
Josh “Mr. Plaid” Gondelman