Open Letter To Guys Who Jump Instead Of Dance At Clubs


Please stop. I’ve had enough of your raucous nonsense. Like for real, dudes, go back to earnestly swaying or self-consciously nodding your head. Or, better yet, just stand awkwardly while ogling girls. There is nothing worse than you jumping up and down like you’re at my eighth-grade birthday party at the trampoline gym.

You know, I would have assumed that guys would be naturally good dancers — seeing as that whole hunting and gathering thing requires coordination. You have to hold a spear steadily and move in gracefully to gut open an unsuspecting baby seal. Apparently not. Apparently, there are a lot of bros who resort to the most uncoordinated maneuver possible: jumping up and down for the entirety of some awful Blur song (you know which one I’m talkin’ bout).

Girls, though, as far as I see, are generally good dancers. They move and grind and aren’t afraid to get creative. They just don’t give a shit and it shows in the way they dance. The same goes for gay men. They know how to dance. Go to a gay club and you’ll see dudes getting down like for real.

If you’re too embarrassed to try and dance, then please realize that merely jumping is the most ridiculous option out of every physical movement you could possibly come up with. I mean, you aren’t a five-year-old boy begging for an ice cream cone from your parents.

When it comes down to it, I think the dance floor is where you can catch a glimpse of true masculine confidence. Think of the best straight male celebrity dancers out there: Justin Timberlake, Usher, Hugh Jackman? These men know how to rock a damn dance floor. And what happens in the process is that they exude confidence like no other. Whenever I see a guy that’s a really good dancer, I’m like damn, he’s a better man than me — ‘nuff said.

So guys, point is, please stop jumping up and down and knocking into me while I’m trying to bust a move. It takes practice and, yeah, some coordination to be a good dancer, and I’m really trying over here. When I go out to a club, I just want to dance and feel how music can affect my body, but opening my eyes to observe a sea of floundering fish really ruins my concentration.

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image – messycupcakes