Orbs’ Money-Making Secrets From 9 Wizards


1. Tizor the Grand Mage

In his latest brochure, Tizor the Grand Mage details a plan to play financial chicken with the New York Stock Exchange. His left-field approach stems from his historical encounters with stock bubbles, which have long since left him enormously wealthy. For example, Tizor still owns shares of Berkshire Hathaway, which cost about $1500 at the time (at the time of this writing, BRK.A was priced at $192,441.00 a share). According to Tizor, the spells he was taught by his father, the luminous Gruefuis the Wild, helped tremendously with his financial acumen. “I thought about investing in real estate, but my father — bless his spirit — warned me that it would be suicide,” Tizor the Grand Mage said. “Why invest in something that people can physically ruin, when you can invest in something that people need, but is intangible? So I invested a good portion of my wealth into insurance.” As for succeeding in the stock market, Tizor recommended that a lamb be sacrificed on the twelfth night of the month with a purified shard of marble placed next to it. “Use the FSA spell,” he said.

2. Ojest the Wise

“Money has given me what magic could not — security for my 14 children and upkeep for this castle.” Ojest the Wise the the 10th richest wizard in the world and has accumulated all the money he needed by when he was only 55, when his net worth reached $1.5 million. “I have a lot of time to perfect my technique as a wizard,” he said. “Money gave me the independence to do the things that truly matter to me.” When asked what the best advice he received, Ojest smiled. “Learn to trust yourself,” he said. “Don’t let the market sway you. You know yourself best.” Easy for him to say.

3. Taxon the Reckless

“High risk, high reward,” Taxon the Reckless said as he took a shot of Sambuca. “You can’t make money if you don’t invest, first.” Taxon became well-known for his aggressive method of investment, which has yielded him over $12 million in the past three quarters. “If you want to get rich,” he said in between gulps of firewater, “don’t focus on the little things. You need to look at the bigger picture.”

4. Awopan the Robed

Sitting in his luxurious carriage, Awopon the Robed, former Senior Advisor at a global financial wealth management company, explained how he was able to obtain such wealth. “You should know what you’re doing,” he said. “Read some books. If you need somewhere to start, try Benjamin Graham. He’s a real good wizard.” Awopan refused to reveal exactly how he got rich, but he did say that he started in a place where there was a lot of smart people who knew how to take risks.

5. Whitebeard Yvius

Wizard-turned economist, Whitebeard Yvius made his money investing in high quality ETFs. “You know,” Yvuis said, “I think a lot of what I did had to do with luck.” During his wizarding days, Yvius collaborated with a merchant named Crill Tapes, who went on to be the CEO of Merpablond (MPB: $92.02), the high-tech company that’s now valued at $120 billion. “Tapes said he was going to start a company so I lent him some money and he asked me if I wanted to be his CFO. I said, ‘Sure, I have nothing going on at the moment,’ and whattaya know, he has this great product and we’re all rich.”

6. Daxpniar Daxpniar

Founder of DaxP2P, the magic-sharing program, Daxpniar Daxpniar lives a humble life. “My dad would tell me that having a lot of money doesn’t mean you need to go out spending it on what he would call ‘crap’. I live by those words.” Daxpniar’s fortune happened overnight. His company, DaxP2P was bought by the overseers, Woozle (WOOZ: $192.03) for an estimated $1.2 billion. “Make a great product,” Daxpniar said. “Iterate it as many times as possible. You need to get to a high quality product as soon as you can. Don’t give up, because you’ll find yourself holding a huge check.”

7. Eziras the Anxious

Eziras the Anxious says he’s “plagued by good luck.” And so he is. He pulled out of over 17 investments — all of which folded after he’s taken his shares out. “I don’t know what it is,” Eziras said. “Whenever I get anxious about something, I take my money out. I tell them, ‘Hey, I’m out, sell my shares,’ and a little while later, poof, they’re done.” When asked how he made his fortune, he said, “My first investment was in Oil — do you remember Gaspool International? Well, I got a feeling one afternoon and I called up my advisor. I told him to sell all my shares, and he of course was flabbergasted. ‘Why would you do such a thing?’ and I told him, ‘I’m paying you, so do what I’m asking you to do.’ And so he did. A week or two later, they were found funneling money into a terrorist organization and well, that’s history.”

8. Uiprix Uforn

“I would take my father’s wand and try to learn this complex spell that required me to do computations in my head when I was 5 or 6,” says billionaire Uforn. “It takes dedication, passion, and utmost patience to get where I am now.” The Froogenville-born Uforn discovered his passion for investing when his father gave him $2000 and challenged him to double it in four months. “I thought to myself that I can do it. I wanted to show my father that I can do whatever he asked me to do, and did I show him!” Uforn is one of the wealthiest wizards in the world and is also one of the most charitable ones, pledging over half of his fortune to the Wandless Wizard Society.

9. Bill

“The best advice I got was that no one knows anything — except maybe Eziras, but even then, he doesn’t know what will do well and won’t,” Bill said. “If no one knows, then no one can predict it, and so, I can manipulate the market.” Bill made his fortune by selling cheap stocks to unwitting wizards, then changed gears to invent an automated information distribution system called WIZPAQ. From there, he started gaining momentum in the financial world and started his own wealth management business. “We use a proprietary system that’s taken care of in-house by the smartest witches and wizards in the country. Thanks to this, we can make trades in one-trillionths of a second.” It’s rumoured that these witches and wizards are graduates of the prestigious Vanguard Society, where only 13 graduate per year.