Paranoid Moments That Basic Bitches Have Before Lunch
I’m more than halfway through my 20s and have zero qualms about embracing my “basicness.” I obsess over songs that are in the Top 40, pick my nail polish based on the name of the color, and there’s a receipt for a 4-pack of Skinny Girl margaritas in my wallet. Hell, I’m drinking a Skinny Girl margarita right now. I’m slightly less enthused about my crippling neurotic tendencies overly inventive imagination, and when my paranoid thoughts cross-pollinate with my basic disposition, I lose hours trying to remember if my Spotify account was on private session when I listened to Dark Horse 12 times in a row. Since I’ll never get those hours back, I may as well turn that lost time into something productive creative that my mom can send to her friends.
7AM—Yoga
Are these my see-through leggings? Will anyone notice if I run home and change? I can probably make it back before wheel. There is no way I can go into wheel if these are the see-through leggings. Does Forever 21 make anything not see-through? Will holding chair pose make my thighs bigger? Must Google that later.
8AM—Dressing for Work
Are these jeans tight because I just washed them or because I ate fro-yo five times this weekend? Does vegan fro-yo really have calories? Were those brownie bites I put on top vegan? I’ll have to go back and double-check. Jeggings today it is.
8:50AM—Starbucks
Did I leave my straightener on? Is my hair even straight today? Is LivingSocial running a deal on keratin treatments? (Checks phone.) Did I just accidentally like someone’s Instagram photo who I don’t even follow? Is it more weird or less weird if I start following her now? I actually have no idea who this is. Oh God, I don’t think this syrup is sugar-free.…
10AM—Office
Do all of these exclamation points in my email look enthusiastic or annoying? If I don’t include a smiley before my signature, will it come off as passive-aggressive? I’m going to A/B test this and send to myself really quick. Can I get fired for lack of excitement in an email? Isn’t that why that other girl left? I think she is working for the PR firm that manages the Kardashians now. Are they hiring? Has anyone endorsed me for PR on LinkedIn? How can I get people to do that in a non-weird way? Oh God, I just looked at my ex-boyfriend’s profile and he’s going to see it.
11AM—Office Kitchen
How many calories did I burn in yoga this morning v. how many are in this granola bar v. how many calories did I drink this weekend/how many more times will I go to yoga this week? Is that guy judging me for how long I’ve been reading this nutrition label or how long I’ve been away from my desk?
12PM—Line at Salad Place
Do I get tofu? How much soy protein is too much? Will they judge me if I ask for just half a scoop? How long has that been sitting there, anyway? Maybe I should just get fro-yo. Will they judge me for going there six times in three days? Are these jeggings see-through? I’m starting a juice cleanse today tomorrow when Mercury is out of retrograde.