My Workout Routine, As Told By ‘American Psycho’ GIFs


Patrick Bateman of American Psycho is the ultimate workout champion. He prides himself on his physique. I get it, man. I am on a fitness kick and I am determined. Sometimes I do The 30 Day Shred, a workout video by Jillian Michaels. It’s circuit training. The routine us made up of 3 levels; you do each level for 10 days. Within those levels are 3 circuits, (warm-up and cool-down not included). These circuits combine strength moves, cardio, and abs. You do 3 of those and then you’re done. The levels get progressively harder.

I put on yoga pants or sweats, but not my favorite pair of sweats because I’m at a point in my life where I just consider those pants, and I put those on with a sporty crop top spandex thing and I get to work. Here’s what I’m thinking and feeling, before, after, and during my workout, presented to you in Patrick Bateman/American Psycho GIF form.

The moment I decide I want to work out.

Pumping myself up for the workout.

During the warm-up.

During and finishing circuit 1 and starting circuit 2.

Finishing circuit 2.

Starting circuit 3, realizing that I have this entire stupid workout video memorized and am sick of having to listen to Jillian Michaels say the same thing over and over.

During circuit 3.

The last 30 seconds of the workout.

Cool-down period.

When the workout is finished and I go look at myself in the mirror.

This is my process. This is my life. There is no comfort, there is only fear, and intensity that can only be matched by the darkest parts inside my myself. I am but a body, a concept, a tool, and I do not understand anything beyond simple actions. People do not understand that I don’t do anything for them, I do it for myself, I do it only for myself, other people do not matter, I care about no one, and most of the time, I am moments away from snapping someone’s neck and taking out their eyes with my brand new battery-powered Sharper Image letter opener. Yesterday on The Patty Winter’s Show, a woman ate her own face. I can feel everything inside me and this means that I cannot feeling anything at all, ever, and I have stopped trying. Do you like Lana Del Rey? I thought that her first album, Born To Die, was a visceral experience, her voice tinged with a deep longing and regret for a chance to do it all over again. I highly recommend it. I have to return some videotapes.

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image – American Psycho