Please Do Not Read


There is no reason to continue. Please quietly click away. (Note: I say to click because I would never expect you to walk away, it requires such an inordinate amount of energy. And really, where are you going to go? Walking is overrated. And judging by the way you have deteriorated since taking that desk job at that company, I worry about your heart. You know, while we’re talking about it, let me bring you some food. And a scooter. And a bucket of wet rags to wipe all that filth from your skin. You’ve gotten mossy these last few years. You might also want to take off your pants and really root around in the crevices of your thighs, clean out the mildew and scare away the bugs. Not to be rude, but it smells like a slaughterhouse down there. You should be ashamed. One day you’ll go to stand up and your knees will explode. Just like that. Two M-80s going off in your pants. The space between your fibula and femur bones (where your kneecaps used to be) will feel like a plastic store bag full of wet meat and broken glass. It happens. Everyday. To people who once had perfectly useful knees.

And before I forget, I want to pick up that hat from Spencer’s Gifts that you always wanted, the one with two cupholders and a tandem straw system. I think it’s a spring break gag gift. But for you its almost a necessity these days. Have I said you look awful? Because you do. It’s my hope that this hat will keep you hydrated. Even though you refuse to drink anything except Coke Zero, which seems to suck all the moisture from your body. Only thing is, I don’t get to the mall that often. I suppose I could buy the hat online, have it shipped to my house, then stop over here and drop it off someday next week during my lunch hour. You know what, it makes more sense if you just buy it. But here, I’ll give you my credit card, because it would be a gift. From me to you. Here, type in http://www.spencer… Hold it. Better just Google “Spencer’s Gifts,” I might have the web address wrong. At least that’s what I like to do… Ha! See what I mean? I would have thought it was, not I’m glad you checked. Oh, and before I forget, I noticed the other day that cubes of Coke Zero are on sale at Target. I’ll pick up a couple, drop them off when I bring the hat. That’ll help you get started. I also have a small dorm fridge you can have, if you want it. It’ll keep your beverages within arm’s reach. We cleaned out the garage a few weeks back and I found the thing under a stack of empty cardboard boxes. Can you imagine? I paid next to nothing for it nearly 10 years ago. It used to be the fridge in my office at that terrible job I worked in that library, where all the doctors from Turkey sat on computers all day downloading porn.

Can you believe it’s Friday? The weekend is fun. I like days off. Do you? That’s a ridiculous question. Of course you do. Everyone likes days off. It means you can sleep in. Unless you have a family. Then you’ll actually wake up early, maybe earlier than on the days you go to work. Wait, do you even have a job? I didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject. It’s just, the last time we talked you were looking for work. I mean work in your field. No, I’m not saying the Dress Barn doesn’t count as work, I’m just saying that it’s not what you went to school for. Yes, I know you hated school. And I know you only got a nursing degree because your parents wanted you to, but I don’t see how working part time at the Dress Barn is going to help you forge a new career path. Oh, well you didn’t tell me you were considering a career in retail. I suppose it makes sense then. But how would I know that? Who do I look like, the Amazing Kreskin?

Who’s Kreskin? Are you fucking serious? The old man with ESP who’s been around forever, he was a regular on Letterman for years. Jesus Christ. Yes, I know how you feel about Letterman, I shouldn’t have said his name. But sometimes my brain operates at a different speed than my mouth. Please, don’t say what I know you’re about to. If you pull out that random Jerry Seinfeld quote declaring that Jay Leno is the “best comedian in the biz” one more time, I’ll choke you.

How long have we known each other? Twenty years? It feels like forever. “I wish I could quit you!” Remember that line? No? Me either. But seriously, I wish you were dead. Your skull picked clean by an army of bugs that do that sort of thing, root in dirt and look for abandoned dead people to feast on. I’d get your skull mounted on wood and red velour and hang it above my fireplace. Stare at the blank eye sockets and remember all the good times. I’d put on Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth’s “They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)” and drink a milkshake. I’d probably start crying at some point too. Or maybe not. It’s so hard to tell these days, what’s real and what’s fantasy.) After all, it is Friday, and there’s little left to be said.