President Obama Defends No-Fly Zone in Angry Birds


Seven score and ten years ago, a great civil war tested whether a nation born from revolution and built on liberty and equality could endure. And it has. Yet today, cataclysmic events in a foreign land threaten to eviscerate two entire races.

While the United States, the protector of human freedom for generations, cannot risk military action in every corner of the world, when we see something so atrocious, so deeply and flauntingly inhumane, we have no greater responsibility than to act. This is what has happened in Angry Birds Poached Eggs 1-1 through The Big Setup 11-15 in the last ten days.

The vengeful Angry Birds are orchestrating the systemic genocide of the little green pigs—and their wingless own.

The land of the green pigs nests comfortably amongst five colonies of birds. For more than seven decades, we thought the birds and pigs coexisted peacefully. This was foolish.  We now have evidence that the birds have trained a vast militia of youth, conspired with terrorist organizations including Al Qaeda, and continuously terrorized the pigs.

In December 2009, the pigs, famished from feeding on grass, tried to claim a basic omnivore right—the right to eat eggs. But as history will show, the pigs erred and feasted on unborn birds.

As the world condemned this single act of murder, the Angry Birds were born. And, the Angry Birds attacked. In synchronized kamikaze missions against the green pigs, the red Angry Birds, eyebrows poised for demolition, slingshot themselves into the fortresses. The initial death campaigns killed those clustered in the low income wooden homes of the farming ghettos.  The pigs, natural-born ace builders despite having no arms or legs, fortified their makeshift palaces in cities with complex structures of wood, ice, dirt, and stone.

In a blitzkrieg of escalation, the red Angry Birds enlisted the aid of neighboring nations. The blue Angry Birds unleashed a three-fold attack on defenses. The yellow Angry Birds brought terror from unfathomable distances. The white Angry Birds carpet bombed key defense stations. And the black Angry Birds, explosives strapped to their backs, annihilated strongholds. As every bird slammed into a building, it released a defiant squawk before disintegrating in a cloud of feathers and air.

The green pig government has collapsed. The deaths of Herr Helmet, Mr. Moustache, Hardhat Hidalgo, Mason Moustache, Clint Eastbacon, Billy the Pig, and Wild Pork Hickok have been confirmed. Hundreds of thousands remain missing.

In the wake of this massacre, the wounds of 9/11 still fresh, we took swift steps to stop the Angry Birds. We cut off slingshot imports from the United States. We siphoned funding from Finnish-based Rovio mobile and we installed digital paywalls against iPhone, Android, and iPad apps. We held the Angry Birds responsible for their war crimes.

After five worlds, 240 levels, and 200 million minutes of cumulative daily game play, having failed to end the slaughter without force, the world presented the Angry Birds with a final offer to end the genocide or face the consequences. Instead of retreating, the Angry Birds reloaded and continued to bomb, pilfer golden eggs, and torch the countryside until the grass ran red with pig and bird blood.

The violence relentless, fortress after fortress felled by falling birds, we knew that if we hesitated, if we even waited a few more stages, Ham ‘Em High, a level the size of Charlotte, would face immeasurable carnage. And, as a gawker, the United States would be sanctioning this ethnic cleansing.

I would not let that happen. And so three days ago, after discussing with Congress, I authorized military action to stop the killing and enforce U.N. Security Council Resolution 2721. Advised by top ornithologists across the world, the United States established a no-fly zone over the Angry Birds.
We roasted the airborne Angry Birds in the Mighty Hoax. We tarred and defeathered the front lines in Danger Above. We followed the trajectories and plucked every three-star leader from secret underground nests. And tonight I can say that the game is over.

To illustrate how fast we were able to conquer the birds, when historic humanitarian violations happened in Bosnia in the 1990s, we dithered for a year. This year, it took us 31 days to descend upon Libya. But to quell the Angry Birds, it took us two hours.

To transition the remaining Angry Birds and green pigs into a peaceful democracy—because while we aimed to save lives, the rebuilding process has just begun—we will setup a fledgling government. The fowls in captivity will undergo anger management classes.

An exploratory commission is investigating whether British Prime Minister David Cameron, a three-star general on the iPad, and author Salman Rushdie, who intelligence reports show is a master strategist, will face a war crimes tribunal. My youngest daughter Sasha is prepared to accept any punishment for her stint as a two-star colonel.

Debate in Washington has propagated a false choice about the Angry Birds. Some question why America is intervening in a battle between animals. They say that we should let natural selection play out and turn our efforts to oppressed human nations. They ask us to remember the swine flu epidemic.

While this is true, it cannot be an argument for inaction. In this angry world, in this moment of racial extermination, we had a choice: Watch the point score and body count reach horrific heights, or abort this homicidal game.

Bluntly put, America is a leader, and more profoundly, we must be held accountable to those in need. This is who we are. And as president, I will not wait for YOU to get three stars before doing what is right.

On the grounds of the Mighty Hoax, a green pig, slopping at the trough of freedom, said to us, “Oink oink, squeal. Oink.” He then burped and took a nap in his own feces.

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