Pros And Cons Of Raising Your Child In New York City (Written By A Child Raised In New York City)


Pro: Child will experience tremendous diversity in the melting pot that is The Big Apple!
Con: This will include offensive homeless men, fancy prostitutes, and probably kidnappers.

Pro: Child will develop sophisticated tastes.
Con: This will include your expensive Cognac they use to spike the punch at their 5th grade birthday party (sorry, Dad).

Pro: Child will learn independence.
Con: They will be able to take a cab, or better yet the subway, anywhere without your knowledge. Anywhere. Like the Bronx. Or Canada.

Pro: Child will be exposed to a delightful array of culture.
Con: i.e. Purchasing cigarettes off a Puerto Rican drug dealer named Tito whilst on a field trip to Ellis Island. (Hi, Tito.)

Pro: Child will develop a personal sense of style influenced by a fashion capital!
Con: For girls: Heavy black eyeliner at age 11. For boys: Heavy black eyeliner at age 15.

Pro: Child will learn financial savvy.
Con: i.e. Negotiating an appropriate commission for the Mexican bag boy at Gristedes to buy them Apple Schnapps (age 14).

Pro: Child will get to roller blade in Central Park!
Con: Child will get to smoke weed in Central Park! (Sorry, mom).

Pro: Child will, contrary to much of the above, very possibly not become an alcoholic.
Con: They might become an alcoholic.

Pro: Child will have a wealth of experience to draw upon as an adult.
Con: This may mean writing a Thought Catalog article wherein they passive-aggressively confess many of their childhood wrongdoings.