Questions I Have After Going To The Mall


Why is it a parking spot a football field away from the mall is great luck yet I’m pissed if I have to park more than 20 feet from my house?

Who designs malls? Architects? Marketers? Sith Lords?

How is it possible I thought Hot Topic was a respectably alternative place to shop as a teenager instead of seeing it for what it is, a Spencer’s with a heroin addiction?

Do all those oh-so-cool punk and emo and nerd (I assume your marketing to nerds with your Minecraft and Assassin’s Creed and whatnot) and scene kids know that Hot Topic is owned by The Gap? Would they care?

Trucker hats? Really, Spencer’s? I thought we burned all those when Ashton Kutcher grew his hair out.

How many Skrillex concerts do you have to attend to qualify for a job at Journeys?

On the same note, how many cats do you have to own to qualify for a job at Yankee Candle?

$28 for a jar of wax? Really, Yankee Candle? You know a pack of incense from the dollar store does the same thing, right? I already overpaid for what causes the smell I need to cover up.

Do we as a society really need an entire store dedicated to calendars? You are a box full of insultingly lazy gift ideas.

FYE still exists? How?

Why does Justice remind me of the time my dog ate a box of Crayolas and threw up into my laundry hamper?

Arcades still exist? How?

Is working at Saladworks the loneliest job of all time? Wok City has a cute girl handing out free chicken and you expect me to pay $6 for something I get for free at a restaurant? You can pile on as much steak and bacon bits as you’d like; it’s still a salad and I’m still going to get a footlong of sauce-slathered chicken at Subway and call myself healthy.

What happened to bookstores in malls? I know Waldenbooks went down with Borders, but is there really no other bookstore to take their place and just possibly inject a headquarters of intelligence in a land of sheer white walls, $50 t-shirts, and Hollister?

Why so dark, Hollister? Are you trying to hide the fact that your pre-faded shirt and pre-torn jeans can be replicated by a simple trip to Salvation Army? Are you trying to hide the fact that your clothes are made in the same sort of factory which keeps their doors locked, the sort of policy which took 112 lives in Bangladesh last week? Are you trying to hide the fact that playing the Arctic Monkeys over your speakers does not make you relevant outside the sort of crowd which calls Jack Johnson a “visionary”? Do yourself a favor and buy a damn fluorescent light or at least some windows.

Do men typically wear shoes? You wouldn’t know it by going into a Payless or Shoe Depot where women get four out of five aisles.

How do I get lost in a building that is essentially a long hallway?

Have the employees at Gamestop actually played a video game?

How the hell is Lids still in business? I haven’t seen someone wear a hat since rappers stopped wearing fitted caps in 2009.

Are we all in agreement there is not a damn difference between Macy’s, Boscov’s, and JCPenny’s? And if so, why are there one of each in every mall? In fact, why is there a Gamestop and an EB Games at every mall? They use the same damn labels.

Are we all in agreement that selling cell phone cases out of a booth is the sales equivalent of slowly destroying a building with your skull?

Are we all in agreement there is no more useless a building than a mall? Are we all in agreement that nothing a mall sells can’t be bought for cheaper elsewhere? Are we all in agreement the nearly 50,000 shopping malls in this country are little more than cathedrals to decadence, temples to Keurig coffee makers and ironic graphic tees? Are we all in agreement these horridly overstuffed halls of exuberant consumerism are the maternity ward of the sort of credit card debt which can ruin lives? Are we all in agreement Christmas does more harm than good and it’s these Superdomes of obnoxious greed which makes it so?

Shouldn’t I just make cookies for people this year?

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