Ranking The Girls Of ‘The Bachelor’ In Order Of Who Cried The Most (Fake) Tears Last Night


Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the biggest victim of them all? When it comes to this season’s The Women Tell All episode, it is a close race. We have Brit crying her eyes out and trying to turn Carly into a bully, Kelsey the consummate widow-victim who was “misunderstood” by the girls (and America), and Kaitlyn who’s rejection is the freshest.

First though, Chris and Chris crash some Bachelor viewing parties and I was very pleased to see that viewing parties all across America look exactly like my little shitshow back home:

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Back on the Burbank stage, here’s how the girl’s did last night, ranked in order of how much they tried to play up whatever (fake) victim-status they could muster:

The Girls


Most of us have forgotten about Britt at this point. Having Britt on The Bachelor was like having a really bad flu when you pray for health and tell yourself you’ll never take feeling normal for granted again — but then you feel better and the flu is again a distant memory.

But she’s back, and she’s worse than ever.

Britt takes the stage and begins crying immediately, blaming Carly for ruining her chance at love with Chris — and then immediately pretending she wasn’t blaming it on Chris when Chris tells her it (obviously) wasn’t about Carly. Her need for attention is just breathtaking, even for a reality TV show contestant. I bet if Chris Harrison kept prodding he could find a “Carly” in every one of Brit’s life situation’s where things were less than perfect. It’s a lot easier to blame someone else for Chris seeing her true, fickle nature, than it is to accept that she is a flawed person.


Kelsey thinks people don’t like her because she “uses big words.” People never dislike people for using big words, Kelsey, but your assumption that that’s the reason people don’t like you is actually what they dislike.

Kelsey goes on about how she wishes she could be accepted and how she’s misunderstood, but she’s never real or even honest seeming about any of it. I don’t think this experience has changed her at all, and it should have.


Juelia feels like a victim because Kelsey’s tragic story is in competition with her tragic story for Most Tragic Story On The Bachelor. And because her mother made her spell it Juelia.


Samantha is a victim because Kelsey being a victim cost her a rose.


Jade is a victim because she made a controversial decision to do Playboy and now is constantly at the mercy of people’s judgement. To be clear, that judgement is wrong, but it’s not a surprise, it’s part of the package deal of doing something like Playboy.


Trina is not a victim because she has 3x the amount of camera time on The Women Tell All than she had the entire rest of the season combined.

Ashley I.

The one and only reason Ashley I. is not higher on this list is because she didn’t get enough screen time to compete with the other girls.


Carly did a lot better than she could have. She wasn’t in a good place to begin with with Brit attacking her before anyone could talk about anything else. But Carly held her tongue and came off as the more reasonable of the two.


Kaitlyn is a victim because Chris put her through a rose ceremony to eliminate her in a game where you put people through a rose ceremony to eliminate them. To be fair, she has a point, Chris could have pulled her aside and sent her home instead of making her stand there like an idiot, but I think the idea just did not occur to him. And Kaitlyn doesn’t play up the victim aspect too much, probably because she’s pumped to be ~*~The Next Bachelorette~*~.

Burning questions for next week’s bachelor finale

How hard is America going to LOL when Chris proposes in a BARN?

Do Whitney and Chris makeout in a tractor?

Are Becca and Chris just reenacting scenes from ‘The Notebook’?

Do Chris and his friends always hang out in the machine shed?

Can I please have this?


Again, I will restate that ABC is playing it up like Whitney is “the safe choice” so I think Chris chooses Becca. No one wants to be the safe choice, and no one wants to watch a TV show where someone sticks with the safe choice. It’s Becca. (Though, he’d probably be happier with Whitney.)

We’ll find out next week! Tell me your predictions in the comments, and I’ll be here to recap the finale and all the tears that are shed on After The Final Rose.