Ranking The Zodiac Signs By How Spicy Their Summer Sex Life Will Be This Year


1. Leo

(July 23-August 22)

Your fiery summer sex life started back in fucking March. Need I say more?

2. Scorpio

(October 23-November 21)

Sex on the beach isn’t just a drink, it’s a lifestyle.

3. Gemini

(May 21-June 20)

Gemini, you become a completely different person when it comes to bumpin’ uglies. You take on this whole sex god persona that very little will ever get to experience. This summer you’ll become the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde of doing the dirty. During the day, you’ll put on whatever face is appropriate. At work, you’re professional. With friends, you’re carefree. In bed, no words. You let your inner freak come out.

4. Virgo

(August 23-September 22)

If you haven’t already tried it, whatever sexual endeavors you have on your to-do is as good as done this summer. Chains, whips, paddles, etc. Summer bucket list, baby.

5. Sagittarius

(November 22-December 21)

I’m predicting some sort of sex tape dropping from you, Sagittarius.

6. Aquarius

(January 20 to February 18)

Sloppy, sweaty, hot. Just like summer nights.

7. Aries

(March 21-April 19)

Exciting. Thrilling. Spicy. Everywhere. Everyone??? Slow start at first but that’ll be an easy fix since patience has never been your virtue. It’s hard to find someone who can keep up.

8. Taurus

(April 20-May 20)

Good, decent, repetitive, sex. The same moves every time. Same partner all summer long. If it ain’t broke why break it? (according to you) I’d say you’re probably a missionary type of gal. (Bottom bunk, eh?)

9. Libra

(September 23-October 22)

You’re probably the kind of lover who insists on constant [uncomfortable] eye contact. Monotonous motions, sweet lovey-dovey comments like “I love you”, “I’m grateful for you”, “I appreciate your opinions”, or “I value you as more than a sexualized being.” Things won’t be getting to dirty this summer, your sex life this season will be strict lovemaking. It is a blessed space You pray before fucking.

10. Pisces

(February 19 to March 20)

Unfortunately for you, Pisces, you’ll only be getting laid just a few times this summer. A number of reasons, you’re not emotionally available, the timing wasn’t right, you just weren’t feeling it. It’ll be a good summer nonetheless. Be wary of carpal tunnel.

11. Cancer

(June 21-July 22)

Always so hidden and reserved. Grade A introvert, which makes for cute sex I guess. The kind where your smiling for no reason. Rather unsatisfying. I wish I could tell you that you’re going to have this amazing sexual awakening this summer but that’s probably not going to happen.

12. Capricorn

(December 22-January 19)

Nonexistent. You just couldn’t seem to pencil it into your schedule.