Reflections On 40 Sober, Sexless Days

A friend of mine recently informed me that he was undergoing a “no ejaculation for 40 days” test. I asked him what would make him self-harm and attempt to complete such a dastardly task, to which he gave me some existential reasoning that I do not care to remember. But I then asked myself, “What do I enjoy that I can give up for 40 days?” Given my competitive nature, I went overboard and decided to let go of the following for a whole moon cycle, plus some:

1. No ejaculation in any form whatsoever

2. No alcohol

3. No red meat

4. No fast food

5. No beverages other than water

My main reasoning for undergoing such self-imposed torture was not philosophical — more to see if I had the mental strength and discipline to finish, and also to see what I learned, or how my body improved. Before starting out, I assumed the most difficult aspect was going to be not offloading my man juice for over a month. Since the very first time I jacked off on accident, I don’t believe there has ever been a time where I didn’t shoot one for a whole 40 days straight.

It turns out I was wrong.

What I Discovered:

1. Not Ejaculating Is Unsafe And Detrimental: The blue-ball struggle is real and I wouldn’t wish this pain on my worst enemy. But contrary to my presumptions, this aspect of my challenge wasn’t the hardest thing I’ve done (no pun intended). There were simply periodic bouts of horniness that came every few days. The drought also brought along a dangerous epidemic that I like to call “horny goggles.” This is, quite simply, where you find attractive people that you wouldn’t normally take a second look at.

“She’s ugly” turned into “she’s okay.” “She’s okay” turned into “she’s hot.” And “she’s hot” turned into Cassie Ventura. If a horny man was not on a cleanse challenge and he was facing a drought, I could now empathize with how he could bring himself to delve into box which he knows, from the get-go, he would later regret.

2. Alcohol Is Underrated: I had never before realized how dependent I was on alcohol to have a great time in certain settings. Now, I’m not a big drinker, and I can go for ages without having one, but when I go to clubs, I like to get… in the zone. It so happened that there were several birthdays and events during my challenge. Whilst other patrons and partiers were getting inebriated, I was in the corner, like a saint, sipping my humble government juice, overlooking the drunken pagans. Nonetheless, this was only a challenge when I was in the kind of social setting where being sober was a laborious chore.

3. A White Lady Said Not Eating Read Meat Would Make Me Feel Better: White women have led me to many great things. They have put me on everything from mixing the wasabi with the soy sauce to create a dip for the sushi, to tidbits about how to put a duvet cover on easily. (Turn the duvet cover inside out. Reach inside to the back of the duvet cover so each hand is positioned into the corners. With hands inside the duvet cover, grab the two bottom corners of the duvet. Shake the shit out of the duvet and cover until the cover falls over the duvet. Sleep.) So why would I not listen to this new advice about not eating red meat? “You’ll feel lighter,” she said. “You’re going to feel less sluggish,” she proclaimed. Perhaps.

Now, I don’t know if the lack of red meat was the sole cause, or if it was my generally healthier regime, but I did feel like I had more energy. I trail-blazed through that mid afternoon “I just wanna nap” feeling and definitely had more in the tank. Thank you, white woman.

4. No Fast Food: Staying away from double cheeseburgers and Sam’s Chicken Wings wasn’t difficult either. Fast food is just a convenience for a busy man like myself. It is difficult to plot world domination and cook solid meals, so a quick stop by the yellow arches on my journeys just frees up a lot of time. I’m sure this aspect also contributed to me feeling less sluggish, as well as leading me to do more cooking. I now happen to be a world renowned bolognese creator, and my sweet & sour chicken has given me the ability to whisk your girlfriend away with ease.

5. The Government Juice Saga: This was the most difficult ordeal. No carbonated drinks, alcohol, coffee, tea, fruit juice… nothing. Just pure struggle juice for 40 days. I didn’t take a sip of anything other than water for FORTY DAYS. Just as Jesus of Nazareth spent 40 days in the wilderness levitating over rocks with effortless swag, and drinking nothing but h2o, I, too, went through the requisite hardships.

I almost quit this aspect of the challenge on several occasions. I yearned for a taste of Supermalt (a non-alcoholic beverage brewed by God himself) or a tiny sip of fruit punch. But I did not waiver or succumb to the pressure of the fruit juice demons. When times were hard, I just closed my eyes and remembered that Aladdin and Abu had only bread to eat, and their humbleness led them to greatness and royalty box.

In conclusion: I lost fat, became more toned, had more energy, and built up my baby making reserves. What I have taken most from the experience is that you truly get out everything that you put in. But medium-cooked steaks are amazing and I love pretending I’m a rapper whilst standing on a club sofa with a bottle in my hand, so I returned to my wicked ways.

But I do implore everyone to give something similar a try. You may be surprised at the results.

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