Retractions To My Autobiography


Rubin Publishing has been asked to make you aware of the following corrections to Lev Novak’s Autobiography.

Lev Novak’s middle name is spelled “Samuelle” with two ‘l’s and an ‘e’  at the end. It is not “Murderberg”

On page seven, replace “alleged” with “convicted”.

At no time was Lev Novak a member of the Wu-Tang Clan, nor did he rap under the name “Eight-Sock Andy.”

The 2014 Red Sox season is not, in fact, “an inside job.” 

At no point does the Constitution specify a man’s right to Jalapeño Poppers, and even if it did, Mr. Novak’s actions would in no way be appropriate behavior for a Chuck E. Cheese establishment.

The Geico Lizard has never served time in a federal facility, and, even if he had, there is no evidence to show he linked up with the Latin Kings.

Out of concern for the author’s thumbs, all references to Goofball Vinnie are to be redacted.

There is only one officially sanctioned Pope.

Quality control at Hershey’s contests the claim that the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop is always “69, the sex number.”

The chapters regarding Ehm’Rahk, King of Ghouls and his horrible shades is, in fact, accurate. With that said, it will lead all who follow its arcane mythos into insanity, so let’s just cut that whole thing.

Lev Novak is not a recognized doctor, and being acclaimed in the Yahoo! Answers community is “not the same.”

Also- and we realize we’re splitting hairs, here- he wasn’t even acclaimed. His account was banned for asking which Keebler Elf you’d bang, and then answering his question with with “Crackle!” and that he’d “snap Crackle and pop,” which, come on dude, gross.

For legal and moral reasons we are required to ask you not to try chapter seven at home, despite the authors repeated and frenzied insistence you do so.

Snakes on a Plane was not a documentary, and it certainly was not filmed live.

Lev Novak did not “invent Fruity Pebbles” only to be “forced out by that Barney Rubble, that Teutonic bastard.”

John McCain is not the president, nor is he a secret Muslim.

“I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter” is not, in fact, butter. Despite the assurances of the author, please disregard chapter five in its entirety.

Please be aware that the introduction is in fact just the lyrical synopsis to The Fresh Prince of Bel Air.

Lev Novak is not “an alter-ego of James Franco” to the best of our knowledge, 

Please be aware that for most of the rap lyrics are Jay-Z’s, with “Hov” replaced with “Nov.” While Nas may indeed not “want it with Nov,” this is more a matter of Mr.Novak’s hygiene.

Robins are not just “red-ass pigeons.”

“Infinite Breast”, the explicit video so engrossing that people watching it will choose to watch it forever rather than eat or sleep, does not exist.

Answers to the rhetorical questions on page 168 in order: it depends on the state, Smucker’s brand jelly, and however long it takes a man to find himself.

“A ban, man, on banana man? No!” Is not a palindrome, and even if it was, it would not put Mr.Novak in the running for a Pulitzer.

Despite the author’s pleas, do not lick the paper.

Canadians are not just “aspiring Americans.”

Mr.Novak did not personally free Boosie.

For reasons which should be clear, just go ahead and remove the extensive list of Mr.Novak’s favorite racial slurs.

This book is not, as the cover claimed, “Harry Potter and the Moon-Landing Hoax”.

On page 189 the author claims that Wesleyan students are all precious, self proud twerps. We ask that you please ignore all Wesleyan students.

Mr.Novak’s psychic powers are constantly exaggerated throughout.

We regret these errors.


Rubin Publishing