Review Of Every Whole Foods In Los Angeles

Westwood

Westwood Whole Foods is a “college Whole Foods,” which means that it is easier to nibble/steal. This is arguably the ghettoest Whole Foods in all of LA… and yet, it is my “home base.” Everything in the salad bar – the olives, the roasted red peppers – has cheese sloppily strewn about it; a horror for a lactard such as myself.

The security guard here loves me – he is a homie, he winks at me when he sees me nibbling hazelnuts/cherries/felafel.

West Hollywood

This is commonly referred to as the “pimp Whole Foods” – nowhere are there more beautiful ladies. Also relatively easy to steal here, but for the opposite reason: everyone who comes here is rich.

The cool part is that they chop the kale up extra-fine (for the ladies) – also the smoothie makers here are Master Mixologists…

Beverly Hills

This is probably my least favorite Whole Foods. The salad bar is all nasty fried shit – sometimes they won’t even have kale at the salad bar! Straight up! Like… isn’t that the whole point of Whole Foods, the kale?

Very easy to steal here because – once again – everyone is rich.

The Grove

This Whole Foods is the only one that is close to where poor people live – so watch out! The security guards here are not fucking around. They will slam your ass to the paint for nibbling. (There are a lot of samples tho!)

It is very big – but… there’s no there there. This Whole Foods is a metonym for the city of Los Angeles. Sprawling, shapeless – and yet, sometimes they will have Fabio chillin there, selling his salad dressing…

Santa Monica 23rd Street

This is the BEST Whole Foods in the mufuckin city. They have a cherry tomato salad that is to die for – no one else has it! They have the most expansive selection of soups, and you can get sashimi for about half the price of other Whole Foods.

Don’t try to steal here tho! The security guard is hungry for blood – he caught me topping off my soup once and now I am on probation. I go here only as a treat… when I feel like I deserve it.

Santa Monica 5th Street

Very small, very ghetto. There are more homeless people in this Whole Foods than actual shoppers. Honestly, this one doesn’t even deserve the name of “Whole Foods” – it is really just a glorified bodega.

HOWEVER, if you wanna do a picnic on the beach – this is the one you gotta hit up (at least until Whole Foods Malibu opens up – someday, inshallah…)

Brentwood

This is the precious little daughter of the LA Whole Foods scene. It is small, it is missing lots of things – but it is the only Whole Foods that actually gives you accurate ingredients. The very same salad bar items that seem totally safe at the other Whole Foods – here, they tell you that they in fact have gluten in them, soy, dairy, etc.

If you want to be a happy, healthy person and not have any fun – this is the place for you! Also it is on San Vicente – one of the most beautiful streets in all of LA.

Venice

The most hipster Whole Foods in the city. They have a kombucha bar! The food is not so great, but once again – this is where the ladies are at. Not the same ladies as the West Hollywood Whole Food tho – the scene here is more yoga, more vegan. There is serenity here, there is peace…

Culver City

This Whole Foods is actually in the process of being renamed “Trader Joe’s” – I will never go here again. Some of the produce is so radioactive that it actually gets up and talks to you – the cucumbers be like “wadduppppp” #disgrace

Silverlake

Some young people told me there is a Whole Food in SILVER LAKE now??! Really??! I am personally too old to ever go to this one but check it out and YOU tell ME if it is any good!