Screw You Randy Newman


Screw you Randy Newman. And you too Stone-Tarlow shoe company. I’m coming after you. Who’s with me?

I’ve had it in for Newman since 1977 when he released the hit single “Short People.”

“They got little hands, little eyes, they walk around tellin’ great big lies. They got little noses, tiny little teeth. Don’t need no short people round here.”

For a 5’4″ fourteen year old boy, that can be pretty rough. Even if Newman had most of it right except the part about the nose. Mine is rather large.

Who is Stone-Tarlow you ask? They’re the company with an ad in the back of Boys’ Life magazine for shoes that would make you 2″ taller. The ad showed a pretty girl with the caption: “I go for a TALL guy.”

So when people want to talk about the slings and arrows of discrimination I hear you. No one wants to be short. Every variation on the word is negative. Your flaws are shortcomings. Half asses like to take short cuts. Losers get the short end of the stick. Hot heads are short tempered. When you got less than you bargained for you were short changed.

It’s a terrible and continuing injustice. The Academy Award for Best Picture went to “12 Years a Slave.” But I don’t have anyone beating down my door to make “50 Years a Short.”

Before you rush to the comment section below let me just say I’m kidding. Sort of. Did I feel self conscious about my height? Of course. But I’m not walking around with a chip on my shoulder about it.

In fact, I am a little fed up with ignorantly sensitive people. The controversy with Stephen Colbert last week is an example. Colbert was roundly vilified for his segment on the Washington Redskins where he spoke of the “Ching Chong Ding Dong Foundation for Sensitivity to Orientals or Whatever.”

Shit people, take an English class. It’s a literary device known as satire. Go read “A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift. Or if you can’t read, go watch Archie Bunker in “All in the Family.”

And beyond that have we grown so, um short sighted, that everyone has to be not just universally accepted, but celebrated.

I’ve gone on record and stated that I support gay marriage. I do, however, have a problem when a man loses his job because he happens¬†to hold a different view on the matter. The CEO of Mozilla was forced to resign over a $1000 personal campaign contribution to California’s Prop 8 initiative which called for a ban on gay marriage. Give me a break. When you fight tooth and nail for tolerance, here’s an idea. Exercise some. Not everyone is going to like you, or agree with you or accept you.

At the risk of offending fat people everywhere, can we all just get a little thicker skin?

We can right after I exact my revenge on Randy Newman. How about we gather in Beverly Hills for a Million Man March? Actually my wife suggested a Half a Million Man March. Just because it would be, you know, shorter.