Sex Is Hard: Do Men Really Have Dirtier Minds Than Women?

Sex Is Hard is a brand new(!) column geared at answering sex questions. I mean, it’s not a complicated premise. But just about everything else we’re going to talk about will be. Want to have your question answered? Email me here, or tweet me here. I don’t blush easily. Actually, I do, but I’m kinda into it.

I have always wondered is women’s minds are as dirty as guys’. There have been times when I’ve seen a beautiful woman – a perfect stranger – in public and instantly imagined having sex with her. Do women thing like this or is it just men? Or am I just a dirtbag?

Let’s break these down:

Do men have inherently dirtier minds than men? No. I think it’s more fair to say that men are programmed to feel more justified in thinking sexual thoughts, or sexually aggressive thoughts, than women are, which oftens makes them more open and unabashed about sharing those thoughts. Are our brains fundamentally different in our thinking about sex? No, but we are socially instilled with the idea that they should be different, which fucks us all – men think it’s more acceptable to be predatory in their sexual impulses (whether just in thought, or in action), and women are made to feel ashamed about having the same thoughts. I think it’s safe to say that we all feel the urge, to varying degrees, to get naked and rub up on hot people. The gender divide isn’t so much about what we think as it is about what we’re taught to feel and do about those thoughts.

Are you a dirtbag? Probably. But only because most people are dirtbags, not because you want to have sex with beautiful strangers. That just means you’re alive.

I’m a gay man. In my experience, the first time having sex with someone is always the best, but I’ve heard from my straight lady friends that it takes a few times to teach them how to do it correctly. Is this true?

My gut feeling is that your experiences have possibly less to do with you being a gay man and your friends being straight women than it does with you possibly just being the kind of person who gets off more on the heat and chemistry than technical prowess. Both are distinctly wonderful, and they’re hard to get at the same time. It really depends on the people involved, and what you’re looking to get out of the experience.

I’ve had incredibly hot sex with new people where the core reason it was so enjoyable was because it was new – the excitement of fresh chemistry, the intensity that comes with rapid build-up and release, the always surprising nature of a foreign body…these are all powerfully pleasurable things that can almost always make up for a lack of technical perfection, which is difficult to achieve without knowing each other a little better. And I think that’s what a lot of women are referring to when they talk about “training” a new guy before the sex reaches next level status – you do have to put in some time, trial and error, and communication before you figure out how to hit all the right buttons on another person.

I generally hate being on my period – it’s uncomfortable, makes me moody, bloated and just totally not sexy at all. So why does sex feel so good?

Being vagina-deep in Tampon Town is a nightmare. It just is. So regardless of why you enjoy period sex, if your partner is down, go for it.

Real answer:

• You’re jacked up on hormones, which doesn’t always translate into unprecedented horniness, but it definitely can. Wanting the D and wanting it bad is not altogether unreasonable.
• Your cervix. When you’re on your period, your cervix opens a bit to let all that bullshit out of your uterus. It’s the same mechanism that happens when you’re in labor, except instead of opening up to let a baby out, it’s opening to let out something far more disgusting (although far more temporary in its ability to ruin your life.) Either way, cervical dilation is a heinous, unholy pain. Since your cervix (located at the back of your vagina) can sometimes be reached during intercourse, it can be a crucial factor in your feelings about period sex: Some women think a dick punching their already sensitive cervix is godawfully painful, but to others (maybe including you), the pressure feels good, like a massage.