Sex Is Weird


Sex. Sex is weird. Let’s talk about it.

Sex is gross and that’s why I love it. Sometimes it can seriously be the least sexiest thing on the planet. Think about it. People look their best so they can get laid. They make themselves go from a 5 to a 7 and then a few hours later when they’re doing it, they look like a 2. They transform into a wild animal with sex hair who’s in an unflattering body angle. And you know what? No one cares. It’s come as you aren’t outside of the bedroom and then cum as you are the second you get naked. Any feelings of inadequacy you have about your body need to get deleted because chances are your partner does not care. They’re just happy they have a body they can do naughty things to.

It’s also weird to think about how everyone has sex. Your fat Kindergarten teacher had sex. She did, I swear! Maybe she even had lots of sex. She had two children so that’s a guaranteed two times someone had sex with her. Here she is teaching you how to read and then there she is getting naked with some dude. Whoa, sex is crazy. We have our two separate selves. There’s the self that isn’t sexual. The self that pays their taxes, sells used cars, makes lentil soup, goes to Home Depot for paint, wears a blazer to work and feeds everyone donuts. And then there is the sexual self—the self that would do unmentionable things for a little touch, the self that prefers to be dominated over being submissive, the self that just wants to let their freak flag fly. I find this divide to be fascinating. How can someone know a killer recipe for eggplant and also like to get choked by their lover? How can those two things exist in the same mind?

Sometimes when I’m dealing with someone really “professional” like my dentist or a telemarketer, I like to imagine them trolling the bars and acting like a little freak on a leash. It humanizes them and makes me smile. I want to scream at them, “Stop being a sterile freak. I know what you did last summer! I know you must’ve blacked out a few times in college and slept around. Show me this person!” I guess this desire stems from my inability to have professional boundaries with anyone. I’m always looking for ways to make my anal retentive bank teller loosen up. I once went to a really minimalist therapist who would just ask me, “How does that make you feel?” I was frustrated and felt like this person was a statue so I tried to get her to chill a bit. After five sessions, I got her to talk to me about her past relationships and reveal to me that she was once addicted to opiates. Yay. She showed me her humanity! Now I needed to stop seeing her because I found out she was crazy. Oops!

People’s attitude towards sex when they’re not inhabiting their sexual selves is very telling. When someone’s in work mode, it’s interesting to see if they’re willing to share their duality. Because we all have these things inside of us. And it all comes back to sex. It all comes back to who you are when the lights are off and you’re letting someone see all of you.

Yup. Sex is weird. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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image – Horiavarlan