Sex Vs. Ice Cream: The Fight For Your Saturday Night


Did you hear… July is National Ice Cream Month?

In celebration of this annual appreciation of ice cream, National Geographic just did a round-up some of the weirdest flavors of ice cream sold around the world. Their article makes for cute reading if you’re partial to ice cream, or reading about how weird human beings are. Smoked salmon ice cream, anyone?

Since we’re all adults, I thought in celebration of National Ice Cream month, we could ask a more mature ice cream question. It’s hot. You’re human. Which means you’re most likely hungry or horny or both. So what’s the best way to enjoy your Saturday night?

What’ll it be… Sex?

…Or some ice cream?

At first, it seems easy. Depending on how long it’s been, you may think there’s an obvious choice. Or maybe you’re a nymphomaniac or satyr, or you have a lactose allergy and avoid ice cream. Or hell, maybe you’re vegan and asexual. And if so, then this game isn’t any fun for you. But really, what is? (I’m just kidding). If you don’t do the dairy, or dig on ice cream, instead of Ben & Jerry’s or some hand-churned artisanal creations imagine whatever frozen treat you might consider, “my Precious.” To sort out this possibly defining decision for your Saturday night, let’s consider sex and ice cream from multiple angles so we might arrive at a truly common-sense answer.

1. First things first, do you have any ice cream in your freezer? …No? That’s fine. Do you have a significant other, a longstanding friend-with-benefits, or perhaps a socially-flexible cute neighbor? If you have a warm body in your bed, your choice is pretty easy to make. If you have a pint or gallon or tub of goodness in your freezer, then your choice is equally easy to make. And if you have both ice cream and someone in your bed, please take a moment to know you’re tripping the light fantastic. You should pat yourself on the back. Now, for the rest of you, especially you truly unfortunate bastards like me who currently have neither, those of us who need to go out and find either sex or ice cream, let’s just face facts, ice cream is way easier to bring home. So based purely on availability, ice cream wins round one.

Point goes to: Ice Cream

2. Assuming you might have to go out and find some sex or ice cream… How do you feel about prostitution? I’m certainly not advocating it- but if we’re talking abut finding sex, it’s a possible option. If you’re willing to pay for it, your options increase. And that goes for everyone. But outsourcing your pleasure is gonna cost you way more than a gallon of ice cream. Like, five hundred bucks versus seven dollars. Maybe cost and morality are not major concerns for you, and if so, I hope you enjoy your high-priced gigolo or your “Zumba instructor.” Now, for the rest of us, budget is probably a factor. If the hooker or gigolo costs more than a quarter of your rent or house-note, you should probably just get some ice cream. Of course, you could opt for the most standard approach to finding strangers for sex and go out on the town in the vain hope you meet someone who’ll go home with you (and you actually want to take them home). Even if that happens, and you pull home a stranger from a rooftop ping-pong bar, it’ll probably cost you more that seven dollars to find that special person. Which mean the pride of the frozen food section wins another round.

Point goes to: Ice Cream

3. I’d hate for things like money or ease-of-access to be deciding factors. They’re just two of many angles to consider. Wise folks say you’re health is your wealth. If that’s true, I’ve got good news. When you’re doing it right, sex is exercise. Gets your heart rate up, it’s mildly aerobic, there’s some lifting involved, and some yogic stretching is possible. If you have sex often enough you can actually start losing weight. Whereas, as we all know with ice cream, you’re far more likely to gain weight (especially if you eat it in bed just before you go to sleep, which happens). Round three goes to getting sweaty.

Point goes to: Sex

4. Let’s peel back all the rational arguments and stare at the dark heart of the issue. We’re talking about pleasure. Ice cream tastes good. It gives great mouthfeel. And sex feels amazing when you and your partner move like an oil-slicked fuckmachine. But which one feels better? Or rather, which one gives you more bang for its buck? An orgasm provides a sudden release of dopamine and endorphins that flush the pleasure centers of the brain. And what do you know? Ice cream does, too. Studies have shown the amount of pleasure a person is likely to experience from an orgasm is roughly equivalent to two cheeseburgers worth of dopamine delight. So technically, we can compare orgasms and ice cream. However, keep in mind the orgasms in these studies were experienced in a lab while scientists took notes. Also, we have no idea who cooked the cheeseburgers or even what cheese was used. These things matter. The fact both orgasms and ice cream can trigger releases of dopamine that make your pleasure center tingle suggests, you can figure out the right amount of either to get that good-good feeling you seek. With enough hot sex or ice cream the pleasure threshold could be roughly the same, on a physical level. Fourth round is a draw.

Point goes to: Tie

5.  We’re social creatures. How do ice cream and sex affect our social lives? Well, you can do both socially, in slightly different ways of course, but still they’re both fun ways to spend time with people you like. For instance, when looking for some sex you might meet interesting new strangers. If you’re new in town sometimes a one-night stand is a good way to meet new friends. Sometimes. Mostly, it’s not. And it’s the same with ice cream. If you’re new in town you could invite someone to meet you for ice cream (or frozen yogurt, if they’re trendy and insist on trying the latest twist on what frozen yogurt can be). So once again, socially-speaking, it’s a draw, since you could go to a sex club or an ice cream social.

Point goes to: Tie

6. As you probably know, if you chose to read this article, there is great solace found in a bowl of ice cream. Especially, when it’s enjoyed by yourself, preferably somewhere cozy. And the same can be said for sex… by yourself. Both are wonderful ways to spend some alone time, to treat your day with some pleasure. With a little imagination you can surprise your senses with either one. You could try sliced starfruit and lychee on your mango ice cream. Or you could try a new lubricant that feels like liquid silk and fire were mashed together. It’s all a matter of how you apply the sex or ice cream, and what you bring to the table. Which makes alone time with either one- another draw.

Point goes to: Tie

7. I think we may have finally found a clear point of distinction. Sunday morning. When you wake up the next day, you’re far more likely to want more sex than another bowl of ice cream. Doesn’t matter if your expensive gigolo spent the night, or if your one-night stand is looking super-sexy wearing your shirt and you’re sporting morning wood, or if you wake up and you still have some of that new lubricant left… I think we all know and would bet solid money on the fact you’re way more likely to want to have sex than find a spoon. On Sunday morning, sex gets put on repeat long before ice cream.

Point goes to: Sex

8. After seven rounds, with three ties we’re looking at a two to two deadlock. Let’s consider what your Saturday night really looks like. Are you gonna be alone? Will you go out with a friend? Or a group of friends? Maybe you’re the type to network with work associates? Or perhaps, since it’s summertime, you’re traveling or visiting old friends? Maybe you’ll go out on a blind date? Or possibly on a date with your significant other or your longstanding fwb? Well, obviously, where you are and who you’re with will certainly factor in to your decision-making. So… let’s ask the most important question: If you were given the choice of eating ice cream with them or having sex with your friend, roommate, co-worker, road trip partner, old friend’s hot cousin you met at the wedding, your significant other, whomever, which would you choose? Ice cream or sex? I love ice cream but I think if an attractive woman held up a bowl of ice cream or a hotel key, I wouldn’t choose Rocky Road, I’d choose knocking boots. I imagine, for the majority of you, if a sexy-ass guy or gal was offering you the bowl or the room key, you’d also be reaching for the sex. So we have a winner!

Point goes to: Sex

After eight back-and-forth rounds, Sex narrowly beats Ice Cream as the better choice for your Saturday night. It’s true, Ice Cream did get in a few licks. I’m so sorry I couldn’t help myself. I really couldn’t. Which gives you an idea of why I can even entertain such debates as sex or ice cream. And the best part is, if you don’t find any sex you always have ice cream as a fallback. Whatever you decide, enjoy your Saturday night!

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image – Micky Zliman