Shopping For My Perfect Man


The ways that people approach dating are a lot like the ways that people shop for groceries. Generally speaking, there are two types of shoppers: those who take a meticulous list of everything they want and need before they go to the store, and those who just run in grabbing everything that catches their eye, no matter whether they actually need it or not. And so it is with dating. You can go into it with a long list of qualities you’re looking for in an ideal partner, full of things that are healthy for you etc, or you can just run in and grab the first man you come across because of his shiny packaging.

For a long time, I’ve been the latter, and found myself with the dating equivalent of someone who goes shopping whilst hungry. I’ve had a basket full of sugary treats that, while they were tasty at the time and looked good, once the sugar had worn off I was left sick and ultimately unsatisfied. So in order to avoid the ice cream headache of another unsuitable man, here is my shopping list for my dream man…call it online shopping.


Working knowledge of pop culture
Because I will talk to you about Hannah, Marnie, Jessa and Shoshanna like they’re real people, and you must understand why I would leave you for Aubrey Plaza in an instant.

Appreciation of the mixtape as an artform
No, it’s not because I’m too cheap to buy you a real gift and yes I spent two hours trying to decide the best Joni Mitchell song for summing up our relationship.

Hatred of the open relationship
The ideas of the 60s have finally trickled down to the douchebags and unsurprisingly they’ve douchbagged them up. No, it’s not because you believe that “Monogamy is a hegemonic system of repression,” is it? It’s because you’re a manwhore.

Neurotic sense of humour
Basically, looking for a gay Woody Allen circa Manhattan, but with better hair and who goes for Diane Keaton rather than the child.


An ‘old-fashioned gentleman’
…by which I mean even though we’re both men he still feels like he needs to pay for dinner – I mean, I like you a lot, but student debts…

Able to play a hot instrument
A total misreading of the film Sid and Nancy means I’ve always wanted to be a rock star groupie (and at this point we start to understand why the working knowledge of pop culture is important…)

Total disinterest in my writing
No one I want to have sex with ever needs to read my midnight rant tweets or blog posts where I list the weirdly specific things I want in a boyfriend.

Writes texts in full sentences
“hahaha” is not a response to anything.

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image – Bert Kaufmann