Sleeping With Strangers: An Attempt at a Personal Ad
By Natasha Name
Something more concrete. My father, who was always away. Not just on business. In general, even in his presence he was away. So many things I learned about him through facts related to me by his siblings or my mother. Like the death of his father when he was ten… he never talks about his father. He was vocal with his feeling for though, when it came to expressing: adoration, rebuke, disappointment, awe, certainty, pride… but never any kind of emotion in regards to himself. It is possible that I feel like I have never been able to venture further into his psyche. It is possible – because I really don’t know if I am sure – that at some point, I gave up on trying to know him. What I am sure of, is that without the unarticulable connection, I give up right away.
Am I giving up too soon?
And yet, I have always believed, and somehow still believe that my errors will lead me to fate’s success. I have looked upon serial monogamists with wonder and contempt ¬¬– relationships that don’t last because they’re so common. Telling myself that I’m one of those who rather be alone and on my own than belong to someone who will-do-for-now. Waiting on fate. Perhaps I should just forget fate? Perhaps I need your help. Help me not give up. Teach me how to know you. Everything I have written, I have written in honesty. I know this isn’t enough though, for you to see who I am but at least now you know how I will proceed if we meet and hit it off, unless I can help it…
Perhaps I should forgo sex altogether. And see if I can feel a similar feeling of connectedness. Perhaps after we meet, we could sit next to each other, without touching, without speaking. To create a silence between us similar to the silence of sex but more passive… less dependant. To see if that silence is comfortable. A silence between strangers is so much more resonant… I don’t know what will come of this, but I have an image in my head. Whether it has come to me in my sleep or in a waking dream I’m not sure. It is of you and me together, lying face to face in a bathtub, our bodies hidden beneath the bubble bath. I know you are there but I don’t see you. I only feel your presence, and your weight in the water, the warmth of the water, and outline of your limbs. Our bodies are touching but they are not in action. We are still and we are silent. And all the thoughts that I have only ever managed to yield to when I am completely alone are playing loudly in my head. You seem to be doing the same. We take no notice of each other but a strength, a reassurance comes from the fact that you are there. My thoughts assert themselves in your presence, even if you don’t hear them. It is the image of a moment where I have the comfort that comes from knowing no one is looking, but without the fear of being alone in my head… the most comfortable of silences.
Perhaps then, I am looking for someone who can hear what I think. How silly does that sound? I have been trying to tell you what I want but I don’t know if I have managed to say anything at all. I am supposed to be telling you about who I am but what have I managed to tell?
I was born in Manhattan, NY, on February 11th, 1985.
I am 5’8, and of average weight. I have light brown hair and dark brown eyes.
I like to go dancing on weekends, sometimes. I also like karaoke.
I like to jog maybe twice a week but I’m not much into competitive sports.
I love to play games like monopoly or scrabble, or spit.
Sometimes I feel like this is all a game.
That I am just looking for someone who is looking too, to play the same game, at the same time.
But more than that – an equal opponent, because only then can the full force of the game be felt.
Yet I am tired of games! I don’t want to play… but what if that’s all there is? As best as I can, I have laid down my cards.
Is anyone out there up for a round?