7 Stages Of Winter In The Paradise That Is Southern California

With the holidays just around the corner, it becomes increasingly common to see news anchors on TV, decked out in their winter best. Thick scarves, bulky beanies, and padded boots televised for the world to see, barely masking goose bumps and chattering teeth. But alas, while the rest of the nation prepares for a polar vortex, Southern California sits happily in its palm tree-lined bubble. Below you’ll find a timeline to the stages of winter in ~SoCaL~. Here’s to hoping this resonates with the locals, and makes you crazy East Coasters consider relocating.

1. Early November:

While not technically wintertime quite yet, this is when the hype begins. You’ll see girls on the beach rocking short-shorts and UGG boots, and the occasional hipster boy tossing the end of his plaid scarf over his shoulder. People can’t stop talking about pumpkin flavored things, all is right in the world.

2. Late November:

It’s still 70 degrees and that is A-OK. Tourists slowly start to trickle out of their hotels, returning home begrudgingly. Palm trees sway defiantly as red, orange, and yellow leaves are temporarily painted onto business’ windows. Starbucks busts out their holiday-themed drinks and the good people of Southern California start losing their shit over white peppermint mochas and festive red cups.

3. Early December:

Evenings start to get chilly. People throughout the region are freaking out that they have to plan ahead and bring sweaters everywhere – the horror. We check Facebook and see our friends who live in New York, Boston, and the likes are bundled up in faux fur-trimmed coats; they update their statuses to cryptic messages like “So cold on subway today, forgot my wallet on train…forgot my mind…saw a guy’s urine freeze in Central Park.” Californians throw their heads back and let loose a throaty laugh as they hit “like” with a mad gleam in their eye.

4. Late December:

Surfers emerge from the water in full wetsuits, burritos aren’t as piping hot, and platinum hair has turned a dreary dishwasher blonde. Skies are gray and tourists who arrive bright-eyed and bushy tailed are disappointed to find that not every day in California is sunny. In fact, the odd raindrop splashes them, and they send a disgruntled email to their travel provider: “John, this is not swimsuit weather. Highly disappointed thankyouverymuch!”

5. Early January:

Temperatures are only in the 50s, but we’re feeling the chill. You see, when you’re not used to frigid weather, even the slightest cold will get your goose bumps going. Suddenly, Snowmageddon seems like less of a joke. Your coworkers start bringing blankets into the office, because no one has central heating. Your friend who lives in New York sends you an email that says, “GOTCHA, BITCH!” You feel used and abused.

6. Late January:

Any lingering Zonies have officially fled back to the Grand Canyon State, tans of the locals have faded, and smoothie shops would be out of business anywhere else (luckily, our resident health nuts still need their green drank). Rollerbladers are condemned to wearing hoodies, and we all carry on in a state of apathy if skies are gray.

7. Early February:

Southern Californians eagerly hover over their smart phones, fingers clicking “refresh” until they find the answer they crave. Yes, by god, he’s done it! The damn groundhog has not seen a shadow, and he is praised with exotic grasses and rare mushrooms. A rodent normally scorned, is suddenly a hero. Slowly but surely, surfers strip from their wetsuits as skies open up, and burritos are the perfect temperature once more. The good people of Southern California trade their winter flip-flops for their more lightweight spring flip-flops, and the universe is back in sync.