Some Questionable Facts About Portland


Fact # 1: Portland is chock-full of Lady Alt Rockers From The 1990s (more specifically, people who resemble any of the three women from the all-female punk band, Sleater Kinney)

I learned this fun bit of trivia a few years back when I went through a phase that lasted about a week when I thought I was going to make legitimate attempts to ’embrace punk culture’ and ‘anarchy as my personal political brand.’ I remember watching a Sleater Kinney music video as part of my brief immersion in what I thought was a ‘punk rock lifestyle.’ I recall thinking to myself how I wished Carrie Brownstein was my mom or aunt or some other sort of maternal figure. The kind of affinity I felt to her was nothing too specific to Sleater Kinney, because it’s kind of a running thing for me to wish that my mom is any of many Alt Rocker Ladies From The 1990s, more than often, PJ Harvey.

I confirmed this fact not ten minutes ago when I completed a google search for “Portland all-female punk band.” The results returned were literally endless. Have you guys ever heard of a band called Tampon Bicycle Murders? They’re intense. I couldn’t really find a legitimate Myspace page for them or anything but there was just this one kind of shady “zine” from 1998 that briefly mentioned them as “Portland’s next big all-female punk band.”

Fact # 2: Two-thirds of all vegan lifestyle bloggers who claim they are from Portland are in fact from less interesting cities likely located within a state whose name begins with the letter “I”

Why is it that every time you Google, “Vegan Mommy Blogs,” the blog’s “About Me” page says that the author is from or lives in Portland? Why are these people lying to us?

My independent research on this topic and/ or clever ability to fake statistics to emphasize points has led me to the conclusion that two-thirds of people with vegan lifestyle Blogspot blogs who claim that they are People From Portland Raising Two Healthy Happy Vegan Children are in fact from Idaho or any other of the less interesting “I States” (i.e. Illinois, Iowa, Irkansas). I mean, come on, there’s no way that all of the Healthy And Happy Vegan Children are from Portland. There’s got to be some from Iowa.

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m making all this up and trashing these certain people with certain types of blogs who I’ve never met as some sort of rationalization. Maybe it all comes down to the fact that I am Someone Who Is Jealous Of The Healthy Happy Vegan Children From Portland. It probably comes down to the fact that I think children are gross and I secretly dream of Portland as The Utopian City Of Dreams And Wonder Solely Occupied By Trendy And Childless Twenty-Somethings, and that internet proof of these children’s existence ruins what is my ultimate fantasyland dreamscape (added, “writer of erotica” to list of viable future professions).

Fact # 3: There are no cars in Portland

This one is not hard to believe. Am I right? The only real methods of transportation in Portland are those Venice-style paddle boats and bicycles. There’s no pollution in the air and everything is green and beautiful!

Fact # 4: There may or may not be active fight clubs in Portland

I’m not really sure if this is true or not. I’m actually pretty certain that I’m making this up. I think that the only reason I have this idea stuck in my head is because I once saw an interview with Chuck Palahniuk, author of Fight Club, in which he talked about how he lives in Portland and “loves Portland because of the zany and transgressive shenanigans that go down there.”

If this is true, it may or may not be a good thing. Some pros of there being active fight clubs in Portland would be that it would provide an excellent way for you to research the lives of Sleepless And Fatherless Men In Their Mid-Twenties From The 1990s With A Lot Of Existential Angst. Some cons of there being active fight clubs in Portland would be that the members of said fight club are probably all employees of the food service industry and will likely attempt to contaminate your vegan food from hip vegan restaurants with urine and other bodily fluids.

Fact # 5: Portland Is a Great Place To Raise a Family!

The jury is still out on this one.

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