Some Tips On How To Become A Better Person


Read poetry, you dick!

Poetry used to be a giant “LOL WHAT?” for me but then I discovered poets who actually made me feel things and then I was like, “Oh.” If you want to be a better person, you have to read poetry. This is a non-negotiable. It’s basically vegan, gluten-free “chicken” soup for the terrible person soul. If you want to do the bare minimum of work, I guess you could just read a bunch of old dead white guys and their feelings about plants but if you really want to up the ante and become god-like, I suggest reading tons of gay stuff from the 70s and 80s. Read Tim Dlugos and Joe Brainard. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE DEAD. AND GAY. AND DEAD.

Carry a plastic cup of green juice with you constantly.

You can’t be a better person if you don’t cut carbs, meat, and dairy out of your diet. Better yet, start only consuming liquids. You think I’m kidding with you? This is literally not a joke. Get a juicer. You needed to get a juicer, like, yesterday. And then just juice everything, okay? Juice fruits, vegetables, tofu… whatever you can get your hands on. Juice marinara sauce. I don’t give a shit. Just juice it. Regardless of what the color is, it will ALWAYS turn out green. Then you can put it in your little plastic cup so everyone can see you’re drinking green toxic sludge and you can feel like you’re someone who has their shit together. “Don’t talk to me, I’m drinking juice that’s green.”

Burn sage.

Do you want your apartment to have negative energy? Because it does. Your apartment has constant bitchface. I don’t even have to see it. I just know. To restore the proper feng shui and bring “love & light” to your humble abode, you need to be burning sage constantly. Not only will it make your apartment feel like hugs and kisses, it will transform you into a really good person. Trust me. If you burn sage, you’ll be volunteering at the homeless shelter in like, a week. “What brought you here?” the head of the shelter will ask you. And then you just tell her the truth: “sage. it’s always been sage.”

Have a signature scent.

You can’t be an adult or a good person until you find your signature scent. It doesn’t even matter what it is. It could be cigarette butts and rotten eggs. Just commit to it. Why do you think grandmas are such paragons of virtue? Because they’re 80% perfume!

Smoke weed.

Smoking weed won’t necessarily make you a better person but it will make you so apathetic that you will lose any and all desire to do something bad. So you’re basically a better person by default/ laziness.

Have a nervous breakdown.

Having a nervous breakdown may not seem like a surefire way to be a better person but it is, it is! How can you ever be in a really good place if you’re never been in a really bad place before? Go down so you can go back up! Have a downward spiral. Go to the bars in a nightgown. Accidentally smoke crack with a woman named Glenda. It will all eventually translate to bigger and better things. Trust me, honey. Just trust.

Listen to Miles Davis.


Move to Europe

Move to Europe to “find yourself” and annoy all of your friends back home with your Instagrams of fancy pizza from Italy. “America needs to incorporate this whole siesta thing ASAP. #seriously.” Traveling makes you a better person automatically because… because… well I don’t really know. But Americans spend a lot of money to “find themselves” in Europe so it has to happen somehow! Eat, pray, debt. 

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